This is A GUEST POST written by a good friend who wishes to remain AnonymousMy husband and I decided last year, when our daughter was about eleven months old that we were ready to actively try for our next baby. With the ease of our first conception and pregnancy we knew the possibility of it happening immediately was high, so we accepted that our babies would be close in age. Except the second time around didn’t go as we had thought, or planned, or hoped….
It’s been eight cycles of actively trying to conceive. It’s been eight cycles with basal body temping and recording and “trying”. It’s been countless ovulation strips. It’s been eight arrivals of the dreaded period, scattered throughout with a few negative pregnancies tests. It’s been numbing, heartbreaking, defeating and crushing. Yet, I haven’t lost anything. I’m upset and mourning the loss of something I haven’t had for the past eight cycles. But I feel broken, I feel incompetent and helpless.
I rarely speak of our efforts to try and conceive our second baby because the insensitive comments are harder to process and hear than not sharing in hopes to gain support. I have never lost a baby, as far as I know I’m not infertile, but hearing insensitive, thoughtless comments are just as hard to hear as a miscarriage survivor or an infertile warrior.
I’ve {almost} heard it all:
- It’ll happen when it happens.
- God has a plan.
- It takes the perfect egg and the perfect sperm.
- We weren’t even trying and we got pregnant, you should stop trying.
- Don’t worry about it.
- Eight months isn’t that long.
- What’s the rush?
- You shouldn’t worry so much and just do it.
- Just relax. (side note: probably the most annoying thing to hear, because “relaxing” doesn’t get you pregnant)
- You’re fine, put the thermometer away and have fun.
- Get drunk, smoke, just let loose, that’s when it’ll happen.
None of the above are supportive or helpful. None. Chances are if I’m opening up to you about it, or venting my frustrations with another failed attempted, then it’s because I need an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and support.
I put the thermometer down for one month, I gave myself a break, I relaxed, I traveled and just like clock work, my period arrived 29 days later. I’ve picked up the thermometer for the ninth cycle, I’ve pulled out the ovulation strips and a fertility monitor. I also made an appointment to consult a Reproductive Endocrinologist, because if I know anything at all, I know that something is off, may be as simple as a hormonal imbalance or as complicated as being anovulatory, but I won’t stop trying.
So I ask you, the family member, mother of 2 {3, 4, etc}, pregnant friend, new mommy please, just listen, offer a supportive word or two. I’m already feeling defeated I don’t need to feel patronized too.
This is A GUEST POST written by a good friend who wishes to remain Anonymous
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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: adothemomalog
May 6, 2011 at 9:23 am
Here, here! I went through it and I hear you and I 2nd that completely. Also a friend of mine has a nanny who has been trying to conceive for the past 2 years – she’s only 26 so she is getting an awful lot of that type of input from my friend and others who are rolling their eyes and minimizing the importance of what’s going on w. her because she is “so young.” I think it’s hard enough going through infertility stuff all on it’s own – but add to it insensitive attitudes/comments from well-meaning relatives…and it’s even harder.
Thank you for understanding, I appreciate your comment.
I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I, personally, didn’t, but watched both my best friend and sister struggle. I learned what not to say and when to not say it, but I think, generally, people want to offer words of comfort but don’t know exactly what to say. It’s hard when you feel like you should say something, but sorry doesn’t feel appropriate and you are lost for words. I think, sometimes, what those struggling to get pregnant feel are insensitive, those saying them feel they are well-meaning words of advice based on their own personal experience. But I am truly sorry for your struggles, I hope you get answers soon and a plan that leads you to where you want to be.
I agree that a lot of people who don’t have a personal experience with infertility or miscarriage or ttc struggles don’t know what to say, at which point it’d be best to say nothing, or just “I”m sorry”. Thank you for understanding.
I’m so sorry. One thing I’ve learned about TTC and watching other friends struggle is that each journey is so incredibly personal. I’ve learned to stop asking, even jokingly, “So, when are you having kids?” It makes me cringe when I hear that. I’ve learned the importance of just listening and being there.
Exactly!!! Each journey is *very* personal. Thank you for listening to those who need it, and for reading this post.
One of my friends has been through trouble conceiving.
Passed the part where it’s just trouble, into the scary stuff of specialists and dieticians.
You’re exactly right. A supportive and listening ear is often all that our friends need when they’re hurting.
It’s such a personal struggle, and for a lot of people, sexuality (even for reproduction) is just a bit taboo. Making light of these things is definitely how some people get through their own discomfort.
I wish you the best of luck, I found your blog by chance and I was really touched by your words.
I’m sorry for your friends’ struggles. Thank you for stumbling upon this and offering a supportive voice.
First off, I am sorry it is taking longer than the first time around. It can be frustrating, sad, confusing and heartbreaking all at once. It sounds like you are trying the right things and taking the right steps.
Has anything changed in your life? Weight loss? Weight gain? Both can impact your fertility, especially having too little body fat.
Are there new stressors in your life (other than not conceiving with ease)?
Hopefully the RE can do some less invasive tests to check your levels and maybe there is an easy answer/fix.
If not, just know that the struggle that leads to this baby will make him/her SO worth it!
Good luck and I pray it happens soon.
I’ve run through the list of suggestions you mentioned, and some of them I can answer with a firm “yes”, “no”. But that’s why I’m now turning to a professional….something isn’t right…hopefully I can announce a pregnancy sooner than later. Thank you for your comment.
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
May 6, 2011 at 11:17 am
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. People can be very thoughtless. Don’t let it get you down (easier said than done I know). Good luck, I hope you will get what you wish for, and sooner rather than later. You’ll be a great mother.
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Thank you for reading and offering support.
Twitter: ITSMoments
May 6, 2011 at 11:26 am
Oh, how I feel your pain.
We just entered our 6th cycle of trying to conceive. We have a 4 year old daughter, we lost a baby at six weeks, and we have an 18 month old son.
So, we know that we can get pregnant, but, like you, we’re struggling with secondary infertility.
None of those platitudes you listed help when you want so desperately to get pregnant.
If you ever want to talk, please email me. I promise that I will protect your anonymity.
Sending you love…
Nichole recently posted..Always
I follow your story, and read your Babble posts. I’m sorry you are struggling too, and for the loss of your unborn baby. I’m sure these past months have been difficult for you as well.
And you’re exactly right, none of the comments are helpful in getting me pregnant. Which is why they hurt more, they’re not constructive or provide a solution.
Lastly, thank you for understanding.
I have crohns disease and had to wait until the doctors said I was healthy enough to concieve. I even went as far as telling my doctor that she was “ruining my life” every time she told me that she wouldn’t give me the go ahead. Finally we got the “ok” after a year of working hard to get into remission and I had it planned that if we “worked” really hard at it we could have a 2010 baby. Well at the end of March 2010 I got my period :0( I cried and cried and my husband tried telling me, “It’s okay honey, 2011 babies are good too!”. Needless to say it didn’t help. It turned out that we actually got two 2010 babies. The last thing any woman trying to concieve needs are meant-well-comments that don’t leave a frustrated-trying-to-conceive-woman feeling well. It would be nice to hear.. “Anything I can do to support you through this time?”
I’m sorry you had to struggle for your babies, and you’re right if someone is unsure of what to say, asking how they can help is more thoughtful than any of the above comments.
I hear you.
When my 11 year old daughter passed away, I heard a whole slew too. The worst was “she’s in a better place.”
WTF? What better place is there for an 11 year old girl than her momma’s loving arms dimwit???
I’ll keep a good thought for you and your family.
I am terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter. And I wish she were still in your arms for you…what a horrific thing for someone to say to you. I’m so sorry! Thank you for your kind thoughts.
A very close friend of mine went through 2 yrs of hell trying to conceive. I remember she got to the point where it was too difficult for her to attend a family members baby shower.
She heard just about all of the comments that you mentioned and it drover her nuts. I started to realize that during that time, what she needed was a friend to just listen, to understand, to just sit with her, lend a shoulder. She didn’t need someone to try and giver her an opinion or an answer or tell her what to do.
I think a lot of people are clueless as to how these comments really affect someone who is trying to conceive. Sharing stories like yours will hopefully help.
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Thank you for understanding, and thank you for sitting and listening to your friend, I’m sure it helped her greatly to have you just sit, and listen.
People just don’t understand what they’re not going through-I’m sure everyone MEANS well, but the fact is, they don’t UNDERSTAND, so the words they think work to help and comfort really don’t.
I’m not going to say anything except I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and send you lots of loving energies your way
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Thank you for your positive thoughts.
Twitter: randi094
May 6, 2011 at 1:34 pm
Wow – this is very eye-opening. Thank you for your honesty. I will think of this when someone asks me to listen about their infertility, I will do just that – listen.
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Thank you, I’m so happy this has helped you, help a friend or loved one in the future.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I am going through this as well right now. I lost a baby at 7 weeks in December 2009. I have not been able to get pregnant since then. I have kept my struggle to myself, but I can tell you that it does help when you do open up to your best friends. It’s sometimes just what you need…someone to listen. Not to offer advice…just listen.
I have recently started going to a Fertility Specialist. I fought it for a LONG time, but now it is exactly the place I need to be. They are compassionate and understand what you are going through. You know every woman in the waiting room is dealing with the same sadness you are. It’s comforting.
I have “unexplained” infertility. Everything checks out ok, my body just isn’t ready for me to be pregnant just yet. I’ve accepted that and I know that I will be holding a baby soon and you will, too.
Please know that you are not alone…
I’m so for your loss, L. Thank you for your encouragement, I hope you have your positive news soon.
That should have said, I’m so SORRY for your loss. My apologies.