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I have not touched on this subject here in my blog yet, but I feel it is so important to talk about. Not only for me therapeutically, but also for the women who may not have anyone else to talk to about this subject: Miscarriage.
It’s my plan to talk more about myself here in my blog and a big part of my life being my children. I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids and am so grateful for them – our journey has not been an easy one. My husband and I have been through 10 miscarriages and although I can at times find it hard to talk about, it is a big part of who I am.
This post is not intended to knock people who have said some of these comments, I myself have mistakenly said these to someone, before I had gone through a miscarriage. I have been told each of these statements at some point during my losses and although it can be difficult to know what the right thing to say is and most people genuinely mean well, here is why I find these statements so hurtful:
You can always have another! / You can always try again
Although it is true that many couples struggle with infertility, the end goal of getting pregnant is not the positive pregnancy test but the baby. Merely being able to get pregnant is not a comfort for most women who experience a miscarriage.
Many women can go on to try again after a miscarriage, and indeed many find comfort in that idea after time. However, for someone grieving a loss, one baby does not replace another. Each loss needs to be dealt with individually and the woman needs to think about trying again on her own time when she is ready.
Be grateful for the children you have!
Even if a woman has living children, they do not replace the baby she lost. Grieving does not mean you are ungrateful!
I know what you are going through.
If you have not lost a baby, please do not say this to a mother grieving a miscarriage. Just as with anything else in life, unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you simply do not know how it feels. However, if you have had a miscarriage, it can be reassuring to a woman grieving a miscarriage to hear your story.
It was not a real baby just a fetus
This comment is hurtful on so many levels! It was a baby to the mom – you feel the connection and the physical effects and your body changing from VERY early on.
At least you didn’t know your baby!
Any women, no matter how far along, know their baby and it was very real to her. You mean before it was a real baby and I got attached? Nope, this does not make any difference. It still hurts, like mad. Some of us love our babies from the minute we found out we are pg.
There must have been something wrong / It’s probably for the best
Never speculate that a miscarriage was for the best. Miscarriages happen for many reasons, and you do not know what may or may not have caused this particular loss. The best for whom? Me? The now dead baby? You? The greater good of the nation? This does not make the person feel better.
It wont happen again
Everyone hopes that everything will be fine in the next pregnancy, but sometimes it isn’t. Women who have recurrent miscarriages often remember being reassured by others that everything would be fine next time, and sometimes this makes for an even harder time coping with the second loss.
After so many miscarriages you should be getting used to it
I have had 10 miscarriages and each one was equally painful – no matter how far along I made it to. Each one was a baby and each one was important and wanted!
Be brave, don’t cry/Get on with your life, this isn’t the end of the world!
It is healthy and important to grieve.
Remember, when a woman is going through a miscarriage, she is mourning over
- the death of her child the fact that she will not get to hold her child or meet her baby face to face
- the knowledge that she will not get to watch her child grow up, she will not get to see her child’s personality develop or see her child achieve his/her dreams
- a sense of failure. I haven’t met a woman yet who’s miscarried and hasn’t wondered if it was somehow her fault. She failed, her body failed, she’s being punished for a past mistake, she shouldn’t have eaten this or drank that – all of these thoughts can easily play through the grieving mommy’s mind.
6 SIMPLE WORDS TO SAY:
I AM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS
{Please visit UnspokenGrief.com - join and share the movement to remove the stigma around perinatal grief}
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for sharing this. I've never had a miscarriage, and it is hard to know what to say to try and comfort a friend through such a difficult time.
I may have never said it before, but I've always admired your strength through all the difficulties you've faced during your pregnancies.
*hugs*
Steph
Hey! thanks for coming by. I cant believe people have said those things! Wow, thats shocking. May I be more mindful of the things I say to people.
Thank you for visiting my blog. I am glad I followed you home to yours. Your article is very touching and so true and brings up important points that everyone should heed.
Thank you for reminding us that "I'm sorry for your loss…" expresses the deepest emotions and in many cases is all the grieving person can handle. Blessings,
E
It's hard to deal. I've had 3…we lost 2 almost as we were finding out…and even the doctor will say something like, there was obviously something wrong, or we would have had a better attachment. The 3rd was late term "spontaneous miscarriage" of a hish risk pregnancy. We were having twins, and they were in the same sack, which most people don't know even identical twins-ours were-are not in the same sack. I lost one, and the sack became toxic before we had a chance for my c-section on my other son, waiting for lungs that could survive in the NICU. My other doctor then told us, it was a high risk, and that we made if further than most-take comfort in that!
There was no comfort in any of them. And you're right, I had attachments from the second I had that BFP on the pregnancy test!
Thank you so much for posting this. I have gratefully never had a miscarriage, but several of my family members have experienced this. Generally I don't know what to say and just call to say that I'm offering my support and a ear to listen to them.
It must be devastating to have lost so much. I can only imagine the fear that came with each new pregnancy. I wish you the best and hope that you find the strength to cope the best way that you can.
Well said. I can't imagine what you've been through to lose 10 babies. I lost my first pregnancy at 14 weeks. To go along with your first item I got "At least you know you can get pregnant." Not helpful. It was devastating and physically horrible. People just don't get how awful it is.
The other thing that hurt was those people that didn't say anything at all. I know how uncomfortable it is when you don't know what to see but to not acknowledge that someone has suffered a loss seems worse than saying the wrong thing. At least the people who say something are trying to be supportive even if their words aren't the best choice.
I've experienced a lot of losses in my life and the only thing people can do in these situations is to tell the person (like you said) 'Sorry for your loss'. Just acknowledge the loss and be supportive.
I have lost 2 babies at 10 weeks and no one but the mother really understands.
MBC
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog! Great to hear from you, & it's always nice to find a new blog to check out!
My mom had a miscarriage when I was in pre-school. I remember the time very clearly, although I didn't know then what happened. I can't imagine going through it myself, & I hope God's peace is with all women who need Him at that time!
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your support! ♥ ♥
I have never experienced a miscarriage but I know so many women who have, both very close family members and friends. I can only imagine how emotionally paniful this experience must be -thank you for being so candid and sharing this with us.
Wow I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this…and 10x's. I haven't personally experienced this but I have friends who have and it is so sad. I could not imagine, and you are right they are your baby from the beginning and it is a devastating loss.
I have had only one loss, but do completely understand your feelings. I am forever wondering about the child that might have been. It is bittersweet that had my first pregnancy been successful, I would not have my wonderful son, who was conceived a week before the due date of my first. Many hugs…
Again I want to thank you all for sharing your stories and your hugs. It is a hard subject for me to talk about but I really want to be able to open up the conversation on a topic that is rarely spoken about.
Thank you so much for this post. Today is the birthday for my Christian he would have been 4. I also lost a baby at mid-pregnancy. Early or late, stillbirth or close to birth the pain is there. This is our child now and forever. I love you my babies!!
God bless
Heather Laurie
A difficult post to write, I am sure. Having lost two, I understand. I also acknowledge that we all don't deal with it in the same way. Your situation is SO much more extreme (IMO, not everyone's!) that it seems to me the comments must get worse to hear every time. My second MC was a blighted ovum (no actual baby, but a pregnancy, very strange, very hard emotionally on two levels) but it felt the same as the first. I rationalized in some of those ways, but only I could tell myself those things, wasn't the same when other people said them. Bless you for opening up this dialogue.
I have miscarried two. Unless you have been there you will not understand.
MBC
My second pregnancy ended very early due to Luteal Phase Defect. Even though we were trying to conceive, when I found out I was pregnant, I was suddenly terrified that we had made a bad decision to have another child. Our daughter was only 15 months old, and is very high needs. My husband works in a job that keeps him away very long hours. I knew I'd be completely overwhelmed with a second child to care for at that time. Next thing you know, the baby was gone. Even now, I can't help but wonder if all my doubts somehow caused the baby to go away. I know that sounds silly, but it's like I wished him/her away. Like God took the baby, because even He agreed that I wasn't capable of handling two children.
I just cant say only the 6 words and wait please my sister is aching and depressed she is 39 years and miscarried her 1st Baby??????
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 7, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I have written a new post: What you can do to help a friend/family member through miscarriage — please read
Thank you for your insightful post and your bravery for speaking openly about your own experiences. Before having a miscarriage, I was guilty of saying a few of these statements; if nothing else, my own loss has made me a more empathetic person to others in this situation.
wow- this truly says it all- thank you so much for sharing! xo julie
Again, something the public at large needs to see. Also, each and every miscarriage is a BRAND NEW LOSS. As I lost each one, it seemed that people got less understanding (?) empathetic (?) about it. As though I should be used to it after the first time. And the ‘for the best’ comments. No thank you. I even tried saying it to myself. Never worked once. Thank you for this. I’m positive it helped so many people on so many, many levels!
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February 23, 2011 at 10:57 pm
Devan, this is perfect. I hope that many, many people will read it and offer love and support to women they know who experience miscarriage, instead of minimization and judgment.
An excellent rule in life is to meet pain with love, without first assessing that pain for “validity.”
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