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I have this unsettling feeling that someone is missing. I could have all my kids around me – looking at them – but still this very painful feeling that someone is missing – and a pinch of panic sets in. Where is this coming from and how do I get rid of it?
I know lately my mind has been set on “baby fever mode”. To be honest, I am not even really sure that is what is going on. I am a very goal oriented, non emotional person so when I start to feel emotions boiling up – I either suppress them or “fix” them by reaching the goal. It is what got me through my miscarriages – however it is also what has put me in this spot now.
Since I am not in that ‘fight to get my goal’ mode any more {achieving healthy full term children} I am left here with the emotions that I never worked through. I am left very confused and very heavy. I don’t know what to do with myself.
I have had people tell me that I should be grateful for my children and not dwell on the ones I’ve lost. I know in my rational head that what they are saying is a load of shit, but why does that always play in my head like a broken record every time I think about my losses? All that does is make me feel guilty for being sad and upset and my sadness has nothing to do with my 3 beautiful, healthy kids.
Today I am going to sit in my uneasiness and emotions – try not to rationalize them – just sit in them. I will not promise to do it all day – that would be too much for me. I need to give myself permission to be sad and today I am going to be sad.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
There's not much anyone can say in reply to post like this. They're your emotions and only you can work through them. Just know that you aren't alone in your sorrow and there are so many women out there that grieve along beside you. ((hugs))
I read about Triton and I hurt with you. I was only able to get pregnant once and miscarried. I hurt for you as I thought about the ultrasound, the blood tests, the news that no one wants to hear.
In Job 2, the Bible says that three of Job's friends came to comfort him: "When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was."
So no more words. Just know that there are women all over the world silently sitting with you today. (((hugs))))
LoneStarLifer
Paula
Miscarriage is so hard and weighs so heavily on a mom's heart, even when there are beautiful babies there that likely wouldn't have otherwise have been. I love Kellen. I am so glad he is my son. But I know that I would have loved my other children as well. I have learned a lot over the last two years about trying to let go of what should have been and just be present in what is.
Never feel bad for feeling bad. You're entitled to your emotions. Mourning your losses does not have anything to do with your love and gratitude for your kids. Hugs to you!
I'm thinking of you. Take the time you need to work through these feelings. You deserve that, and I'm glad you're giving yourself permission.
There are a lot of people pulling for you and thinking of you.
Lots of hugs.
Many, many hugs. I have not been there as many time as you have, but there are days that I wonder what if I was able to carry my first — I wouldn't have my son, and that breaks my heart, but I also just plain wonder about the little person that could have been.
The miscarriage I'm having now hasn't really sunk in, though I was thinking ahead to Christmas, when I would have been 37 weeks and so very excited to be almost done. And that's not going to happen, either. I don't like thinking about that.
Your emotions are your own, and no one can tell you what to do with them. I don't know what it's like to miscarry a child for whom you had hopes and dreams, but I do know that that sort of pain doesn't just evaporate.
Giant hugs to you today.
Just know that that someone who is missing will always be with you, in your heart. Lots of hugs lady!
Thank you for sharing your emotions today. Just because you have children to be thankful for it does not mean you do not have the right to grieve those who were not born. I guess sometimes people don't know what to say so they try to say what they think will make you feel better.
Visiting from SITS today.
Whoever said something like that to you should have STFU, in my opinion. No one has a right to tell you how to grieve.
I get it, and I am thinking of you…huge hugs.
((Hugs)) to you Devan. Thank you for sharing. Thinking about you today. It is good to let yourself think and have feelings.
sometimes feeling our emotions is enough to let them start to fade away. Good luck and I'm sending lots of positive energy your way!
Amber
No one should tell you that. Those are your children, on earth or not. You have a right to miss them and feel empty without them.
I am so sorry. I can't say anything else but that, and that you are a wonderful mom and person. I hope you find some peace soon. ((hugs))
Seriously – you are all so amazing! Thank you for your support. It really does mean SO MUCH to me ♥
Devan,
I want you to take a minute and be truly proud of all that you have achieved…you are truly a strong and inspiring woman.
You have spent your whole adult life struggling to beat and over come all the odds stacked against you…and you know what…you are still here and stronger then ever. You never gave up or threw in the towel…you looked at all the stats and listened to what the doctors said and then you said "F*ck that!" and went after your dreams anyway!!!
I wish that one day, I can be even half as strong as you are!
♥ T
I just read your story. Wow. You've been through so much and remain so strong and dedicated to your three children. Amazing!
I love what you said about allowing yourself to feel your emotions. SO important. We often as mothers push and suppress our emotions for the "good" of others. But, it really doesn't do any good in the long run. You are stronger for allowing yourself to feel the hard feelings and work through them!