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Taking Off The Mommy Mask
May 24, 2010
Today I am taking off the mommy mask. I have been getting a lot of questions lately about how I deal with 3 kids and keep my sanity. How I am able to handle 3 kids (more kids then hands) all day, everyday and manage to get everything done?
Here is the truth for you all – I am not and I don’t (always). Since I became a mother I had always felt that everyone seems to “make it all work” and no one ever seemed to talk about or show that they could not just keep up. I always felt so guilty and ashamed because I saw these Moms with their perfectly cleaned houses, perfectly behaved, well-dressed children and they were always ‘done up’ to the max. What were they doing that I just couldn’t seem to achieve??
What took me almost three years to figure out is that all those mom’s are either lying, stressing, have a lot of help or are very rare.
We all know being a mom is hard work. Whether we are stay at home moms, work from home moms, part time working moms or full time working moms. It is hard to balance it all and stay sane. The illusion that it is easy is a crock of sh*t and with all of us pretending it is easy and simple does not help anyone.
I totally get the need to appear perfect. I am a huge culprit of that in my life. I find the need to keep that image up so much more when I am surrounded by people who also appear to have all their sh*t together. I don’t get why we all just can’t be honest with each other. I refuse to pretend anymore and perpetuate the guilt (especially new mom guilt where they only see people who are able to do it all). I am going to start it off by being honest – so here I go:
- I rarely wear make up during the day {like hardly ever}
- My hair is always up in a pony tail
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| This is what I look like {with 3hrs of sleep last night} during the day |
- My kids don’t always sleep well and I rarely get sleep
- I wear the same pants for days {track pants} because there’s no point – they will just get covered in peanut butter
- I have had to go days without showering
- My kids talk back sometimes
- My 3yr old still refuses to use the toilet {“diapers are my favourite” is what she will say}
- My laundry room would impress you – I never find time to get it done
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| Laundry sitting in the kids play room |
My job as a stay at home mom is to take care of the kids first. They are my main priority and if that means the kitchen doesn’t get cleaned today or I don’t get a shower in – so be it. I am not going to be bound by the unrealistic standards and I am too tired and too busy to worry about what image I portray.
There are a few things that I prioritize that do always get done in a day. I home cook breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I do have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home and I do {now} make time for myself to write. I know some people might be rolling their eyes wondering that if i have laundry to do – why am I sitting here typing. It took me a LONG time to factor in my needs. I need to be in the priority list above laundry – I have been to crazy and back before I gave myself the right to be on that list.
I am so lucky that I have family around who help me out a lot. My younger brother has been a lifesaver to me especially. He will come over a few times a week (most weeks) and help me entertain the kids, or watch them so I can go grocery shopping or just to have an adult to talk to during the day.
My life lesson: When your kids are older and look back on their childhood what would you like them to remember: that they had a spotlessly clean house but stressed out mommy or that they had a happy well-balanced, fun mommy?
My secret to survival: I am accustomed to the chaos -seriously. I am used to never getting everything done in the day and I have become okay with that. It will not always be this way and I can see that.
Let go of trying to obtain the perfect image – you are busy enough and it’s not worth your time!
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh I love this post! I think the same thing. When I see some moms they look so put together and sane! I think how can they do this? But I realize everyone has struggles…I mean really raising kids are tough. I am exactly like you; I rarely wear makeup and my hair is always pulled back. I do find time to write like you because it is the only thing that lets me escape for a bit. Great post, love it!
Totally feelin ya!!! At this point I'm kinda/sorta coming out of the chaos…but only to enter a whole different kind with teenagers..lol.
(Don't feel bad..my 3.5 year old STILL won't potty train…geesh!)
I totally hear you on the not wearing makeup (I just don't) and I also have laundry like yours
The thing that has helped me is to just realize that life is NOT perfect, and you just have to make it what you want it to be (so for me it is my daughter being happy). If we expect our lives to be perfect we will be in constant disappointment. So I just let a lot go, and make the rest of what I can do good. 
Thanks for this post, it is always a great reminder to not set our goals further than we can handle 
Thank you so much for this post! There are so many times that I read blogs and see pictures of moms who look good and their house is pretty and they wear makeup! And I have extreme mommy guilt because I have one child who isn't even mobile, and I still feel like I can't keep up!
Oh Devan, I am sooo scared…the thought of my twins coming (after reading some of my twins books) has got me scared half to death but some of the things I am learning from my books could apply to even singleton moms or moms with more then one child under 4 years…here is my fav..
-If someone is coming to your house (when you have really young children), they should know before hand that you will put them to work or that they better bring a meal or atleast a coffee!! (no freeloading baby gawkers!).
And also, remember….if the doorknobs do not shine, atleast their eyes will shine instead!
I actually know no-body (no mom) who has it all together and the "perfect" projection. I think moms are perhaps talking more openly about the bullsh*t image of the perfect mom, perfect house, perfect kids, etc. Everyone I know is hanging on by a thin thread, and letting all the small stuff ride.
Also, I don't at all get the connection between parenting and "keeping house". Two totally different jobs, I'd say.
Ok rant over. Love your post!
Yeah, I have never seen the species of oh-so-perfect-mom. Honestly, I gave up trying to be that long before I had kids. I am always the person that comes dashing into meetings, to the sitters to pick up the kids, to preschool with my son, through the grocery store, etc. I spend most of life huffing and puffing and wondering why, if I'm always on the run, I'm not skinnier? Anyway, hugs to you. Life is better when it isn't quite perfect, anyway. We'd all run out of stories if it were.
I just said the other day Ryann is only going to know me with a broom in my hand. I need to stop stressing about a spotless house. Thank you!
two words: CLEANING LADY thats my "secret"
Great Post. Our lives are real and sometimes messy (sometimes really messy). I say if our kids survive, have manners, and don't become serial killers that we are dong pretty good.
Fly.net helps me keep my house clean, but it would never be in house beautiful magazine. I am not a perfect mom but I try.
Debbie's L'bri skincare blog
http://debbiellbriskincare.blogspot.com/
Stop over for my anniversary give away
http://debbiellbriskincare.blogspot.com/2010/05/anniversary-month.html
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It is so nice to know that I am not alone
♥ you all!
Kudos! My house is far from clean, my laundry is far from finished. More often than not, my hair is in a ponytail, and when I'm home with J during the summer, I stay in my pajamas for most of the day. And I don't feel bad about it! I'm embracing my chaos!
Thanks for the post!
This is such an awesome post… because it is SO true. If only every Mom was as honest as you.
I read this post nodding my head "me too! … me too!" … I loved you and your blog before.. but I love you more now seeing how real you are!.
I must admit though… tonight we're ordering in (hiding head) … Im having a hard time finding time to grocery shop this week– shopping with the kids is such a nightmare… but I have to get to a store soon because I am still making everyone in the house eat mostly organic stuff. If they had organic take out though– I might not ever shop lol jk
No need to hide your head darling! I would order out tonight too if we could – finding non-cross contaminated food here is near impossible so my home cooked meals are more out of necessity then anything
you know i LOVE you too
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one in my PJ's all day! I feel like I spend all day trying to get stuff done, at the end of which, I'm still far far behind. I'm realizing it's better to have a happy family than a spotless house, although both would be nice!
Great post!
Well, I'm not sure I understand. My hair is always perfectly coiffed. My make-up just so. Laundry and cleaning is always kept up by the laundry/cleaning fairies. Oh, wait a minute. That was that dream I had last night.
Yeah, you are definitely not alone. I think you described me perfectly in your post. In fact, if you had black hair and glasses, the picture would be me. Your priorities are in perfect order. I wear make-up so little that when I went to a conference a couple of weeks ago, my make-up was still in the travel case from the last conference I went to. Hadn't been touched.
As long as the people in the house are happy and healthy, that's all that matters. At least, that's what I tell myself every day. Thanks for the wonderful post. We all need reminders to cut ourselves some slack.
Thanks everyone for helping me not feel alone
It's funny that I don't wear make up because I am a HUGE make up nut – addicted to MAC Makeup!
I was nervous to post this but so glad I did! ♥
Thank you for your tremendous honesty (and for stopping by my blog!) The preassure to do it all is so, so big for women today. I work part time (mostly to pay for a cleaning lady) and spend the rest of the time with my baby girl, I can´t imagine what it´s like with more kids!
Also I love your blog, I really enjoy reading people who really take a stand in life!
Awesome post ! I just found your blog and I've really been enjoying it. You are giving me hope that there are honest people out there who don't pretend to be perfect. I really get where you are coming from when you say that you wish we could all just start being honest with one another..we might all be happier if we were.
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