I have had a difficult week. Well, really a difficult 2 weeks. I have hurt, I have cried and I have learned a lot.
It all started with this.
& it felt like it got worse from there.
I was overcome with anxiety, with sadness and felt alone.
I still feel kind of alone.
By nature I am stoic, not outwardly emotional, and historically I am the one people talk to when they need an ear.
I am a good listener.
What I have realized though is I am not really the best talker.
& that makes me feel even more alone.
What I learned is that there seems to be a downside of always being Strong.
No one seems to expect you to Break.
Including myself.
I don’t know what to do with the sad. I don’t know where to turn to when I can’t rationalize my emotions. & my voice feels a bit silenced because I am ‘supposed to be strong‘.
But that is something I am trying to change. I am not always happy, I am not always perfect & trying to learn that sometimes being strong is showing these feelings [even when everything in you is telling you to 'suck it up' & that no one wants to hear you 'complain'].
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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
Sorry you’re so down ! Maybe you’re not the best talker, but you are definitely a good listener and writer. Remember that you’ve helped many through your blogging alone, so try to keep your head up. With that said, it is ok to fall apart sometimes..we all do.
Erin recently posted..RIP relaxing shopping trips
Twitter: ByWordsMusings
September 29, 2011 at 10:15 am
You know, its ok to have sad times. To reflect on the what might have been .. its part of who you are and its normal. Yes, normal. Not everyone likes to talk out their life with others … I too, am a great listener when it comes to my friends – it would be a very rare day indeed that I would share too much or get real personal from my side tho …
Write my dear, write, you are good at that, its cathartic and gets you out of your head.
a virtual hug {{{xxx}}}
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..National Coffee Day. It has its own day.
…wishing you peace!
I tell my oldest daughter (6) in response to her “I wish statements” that she first has to wish it for someone else…except for birthdays those are exempt. So, she says okay Mom…”I wish my baby sister to have a WII Littlest Pet Shop Game!” me: Why do you think she would want a game?” her: “Cause she will be happy” me: “Okay, then wish for your sister to be happy” her: “Oh Mom I just want the game”
I hope if I tell her often enough (a) she will believe me and (b) that I will, too! If relief from and happiness can happen for others well then hopefully for me too! I know intellectually that I don’t always get what I want but I get what I need…sort of! Sometimes, I think that is just a crock and that life rains shit and it makes me so incredibly sad to the point of tears!
I get up and go do ‘it’ one more time until what I now call my foggy moment lifts and that feeling of relief or happiness returns because it does…even after the death of my baby. I never, ever in a million years thought that I would ever have moments of happiness, again!
Twitter: acctodenise
September 29, 2011 at 10:50 am
Hugs to you. It is ok to show your emotions.
Denise recently posted..Writer’s Workshop – If I Didn’t Have to Work
Sounds like me yesterday….I finally just broke. Like you I had had enough of feeling alone, sad and full of anxiety and was actually starting to feel mad and I was sick of feeling that way. I was feeling like the only people I have to talk to either can’t understand me, don’t listen to me, can’t hear me or constantly forget what I have told them. I am sick of feeling like the only person in my house that seems to know what needs to be done and when. I am sick of feeling like in order for me to be heard or have people remember what I have said or asked that I have to raise my voice or get angry. I feel like I am Tom Hanks in Castaway and I am talking to a freaking volleyball all day everyday. How do we fix these feelings Devan? we are both trained, we both have the skills and knowledge to help people and I personally know what I would tell someone that I was working with but how do we tell ourselves those things? Lets both try and keep our chins up… as i keep saying “Things have to get better”.
Twitter: itsdilovely
September 29, 2011 at 2:18 pm
I know, it’s so hard to take our own advice, hard to give ourselves the compassion we easily show to other people we love. Devan, just remember: we are all here listening. That’s WHY we’re here. We are asking you to talk, as much as you can.
Di recently posted..What to say to the parents of a stillborn baby
Twitter: mytimeasmom
September 29, 2011 at 5:28 pm
You might not be a talker but you are a writer. Get it out, even if it’s just on paper. It’s okay.
Jessica recently posted..Where I’m From
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
September 29, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Oh I’m sorry you’re feeling down.
Let it out, let it all out. Cry, mope, eat ice cream, do what it takes to release the stress. Then write it all down. Not bottling it up helps. Find a release. I hope you feel better soon.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..It’s Not Pretty
You and are are definitely the same person-I don’t like showing people the ‘down’ side of Kayla because I do portray a rock-solid front most of the time. What people don’t see aside from those who either really know me or live with me is there is a LOT of ‘down side’ Kayla sometimes O.o
What I’ve learned is you really NEED people to be there for you so you can have that much needed break-The break where you just let it all out because that’s what your body needs. It feels these emotions for a reason.
Like Alison said, find any way you can release it that will help.
Lots of love!
Kayla recently posted..Happy Birthday Mommy!
We all go through this and it’s ok. I know it can feel lonely and sometimes a good cry can make you feel better {does for me}. And I agree with Jessica, writing sometimes makes it feel better. I hope this passes soon for you my friend
XOXO
Tina @ Life Without Pink recently posted..This Mama Is Wearing Denizen Jeans
Twitter: HStayingAfloat!
October 1, 2011 at 4:49 pm
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling sad. Even if you can’t talk, can you find some other way to get it out? Writing? Exercising? Crying? Just getting the release always helps me!
I hope you are feeling better soon!
Hopes@Staying Afloat! recently posted..I’ve Gone Sailing