The alarm buzzes.
I struggle to wake.
My eyes are stinging; begging to go back to sleep.
I want this day to be over.
I’m not ready.
It’s not fair; This can’t be happening.
I feel a hand on my back; rubbing for comfort.
My husband is awake.
My body goes through the motions of getting dressed; putting on whatever is on the floor.
I slowly open the door to my kids rooms; give them each a gentle kiss on the forehead.
They are peacefully sleeping.
Unaware.
The car ride is quiet; there is nothing to say.
My husband grabs my hand; we walk through the doors.
That stale smell hits you; the hospital.
I find myself holding my stomach; trying to hold on to him longer.
He’s gone though.
The nurses start talking to me; asking me questions.
I’m in a fog; going through the motions.
Stoic.
Conflicting emotions; wanting this all to be over yet wanting none of this to happen at all.
They take me back; I feel the IV going into my arm.
The mask on my face; drifting off to sleep.
They are taking him.
I feel the sting of my eyes again; for the second time today they don’t want to wake up.
The lights are bright; disoriented.
The pain; the cramps.
I quickly remember; He’s gone.
My husband finds me; His eyes have tears.
Mine have none; I’m numb.
No longer holding my stomach; there’s nothing left.
The world goes on; no one can see.
My invisible pain for an ‘invisible’ baby; No one knew him like I did.
& now my invisible grief.
——————————————
Today marks the 3rd ‘birth’ day of my son Triton who i lost at 13+ weeks gestation. This is his birth story & the most difficult post i’ve written to date.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
Your post is beautifully written, and a special prayer for you today. Hugs sweet friend.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 24, 2011 at 9:53 am
Thank you so much L. <3
Twitter: GlutenFreeBlog
April 24, 2011 at 9:07 am
Beautifully Written!
I have a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 24, 2011 at 4:32 pm
Thank you so much Jayne ♥
I am so sorry for your loss. I am sending many prayers your way on this day.
Kim
Kim recently posted..Happy Easter!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 24, 2011 at 4:31 pm
Thank you Kim. xxo
Oh, wow Devan, your post brought tears to my eyes (okay, my whole darn face since we’re being honest). I’m so sorry that you had to go through that-You are such a strong woman.
My thoughts are with you, and I’m sending many loving energies your way
Kayla recently posted..Share-A-Post Sunday4-24
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Thank you so much Kayla – i appreciate the hugs so much
Twitter: randi094
April 24, 2011 at 5:48 pm
Thinking of you today, Devan. I’m sorry you had to go through this. <3
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:45 pm
Thank you Miranda xxo
Twitter: amboutwe
April 24, 2011 at 6:09 pm
We had a blighted ovum (an empty sac) and my body naturally miscarried at 13 weeks. It’s hard to explain to others that even though there wasn’t a real baby, it hurt just as much. And double pain because it was our first pregnancy. My heart goes out to you.
Thankfully, we conceived twice afterward and have two healthy rambunctious little boys now.
Angi recently posted..Boys Like Dollhouses- Too!!!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:40 pm
Sending love your way Angi – thank you for sharing & thank you for your support
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
April 24, 2011 at 7:28 pm
I can imagine how hard that must have been to write. Good for you for honouring him – and yourself – by expressing it. Many hugs.
MamaRobinJ recently posted..On Death and Doubt- A Letter to My Darkest Fear
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm
<3 thanks Robin. I appreciate your support
Devan you are so strong! This is a beautifully written birth story. Tons of hugs to you today.
Amanda recently posted..To Noah on the National Day of Silence
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Thank you Amanda ♥
Twitter: JnJGoGreen
April 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm
I am sending you a ton of ehugs today.
Jen recently posted..Earth Day!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Thank you so much Jen. I appreciate it so much
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
April 25, 2011 at 12:01 am
Oh Devan. I’m so sorry for your loss of Triton. I read your story about your other losses and I admire your courage and strength. Thoughts are with you today. *hugs*
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..The Week That Was
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:46 pm
I appreciate it Alison. Thank you
Visiting you from Theta Moms. I’m so sorry for your loss, what a beautifully written post. Losing a child at any stage is hard and when your baby leaves so early, the grief is harder for the outside world to recognize, but it’s starkly real. Sending you a hug on this special day.
She’sWrite recently posted..Bowling For Jesus… Um- Kinda
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Thank you so much for visiting & for your comment. I appreciate all the support. xxo
Twitter: ithoughtiknewma
April 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm
Oh, Devan, this is beautifully written and so haunting. I’m thinking of you and Triton today and sending you hugs and positive thoughts.
Charise @ I Thought I Knew Mama recently posted..Earth Day Blog Carnival- My Earth Day Resolutions
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:47 pm
Thank you so much Charise. ♥
Twitter: Complicatedmama
April 25, 2011 at 12:23 pm
{{{HUGS}}} Thinking of you today Mama.
xoxoxo
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm
♥ ♥ thank you friend
Very brave of you to share – sending you & your family prayers.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:48 pm
Thank you Miriam. I appreciate your support
Twitter: milkchic
April 25, 2011 at 12:25 pm
So sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing your story x
Mel recently posted..Magpie Monday- Love- Lampshades & Louis Feraud
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 25, 2011 at 7:49 pm
Thank you for taking the time to read my story & for your sweet comment. I appreciate your support xxo
Twitter: Naynadub
April 25, 2011 at 10:48 pm
I’m so sorry for our loss. It definitely is a very hard thing to deal with. Hugs to you.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 26, 2011 at 12:54 am
Thank you xxo
Wow. This brought me back to where I was almost 4 years ago too. A “missed” miscarriage they called it. Baby passed away but was still in me. Baby probably passed at 9 weeks, but was still in me until 12 weeks. We induced with meds instead of a D & C. I can’t imagine what that was like for you. Even the meds were awful, horrific pain and side effects and landed me in the hospital anyway. I regret not giving him/her a name that is rightly deserved. The outside world just wouldn’t have understood that. I felt like I was supposed to forget, move on. Now I know what I felt/feel like is normal. Thank you for bringing to light your personal story. It’s touching, and makes me feel safe to share my story too…my heavy heart needed to share!! Thank you!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
April 29, 2011 at 12:53 pm
Thank you Ashley for sharing your story. i am so sorry for your loss! Have you checked out my other site Unspoken Grief? (http://unspokengrief.com) its a site designed to allow anyone to share their thoughts/stories on their perinatal grief. MUCH HUGS to you ♥
Twitter: jessesco
May 5, 2011 at 4:48 pm
Such a difficult loss. I’m so sorry.
Jess@Straight Talk recently posted..Simple
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
May 5, 2011 at 9:00 pm
♥ Thank you Jess
This was beautifully written, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I know your pain, and it is truly one of the worst feelings in the world.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 24, 2011 at 8:48 am
Thank you so much for your sweet words. i am sorry you know this pain ((hugs!))
I cried. The love we have for our children is a powerful thing.
Hugs to you mama.
And a Happy Birthday to Triton.
when I read this I was replaying my own life Sept.15,2012. I lost my baby at 12 weeks but my body refused to let go of our baby. I had to have a D&C. My husband had to work they would not let him off. Thank God for my sweet mom who came to be with me. I have 2 teenage daughters, but this was my first child with my current husband. Our baby was due to be born May 17, 2013 on my husbands birthday. I dread that day. thank you for sharing your story. I definitely feel your sorrow.