Grief is a very strange journey and process. Some days I find myself in the best mood – happy and cheerful and then without warning can be smacked in the face with sadness and tears. Sometimes it happens without warning and one thing I have learned through these 10 miscarriages is that is okay. It is normal and it is ok.
There are times where a certain trigger will bring out the grief and I have been spending some time identifying those and learning to be ok with the emotions that come up. Television has been a big trigger, so has twitter and facebook and mostly a specific time of year or date. Those last ones i can brace for {as much as anyone can} or avoid twitter or facebook for sometime if I feel like I just don’t want to face it for the moment. My husband will brace me for television or movies that might have some sensitive material in it for me and will be there if it gets to me. Those I can all ‘deal’ with. They make sense and can be avoided.
One trigger I am having some trouble coming to terms with or figuring out just how to deal with are triggers that are from within my body – normal body functions.
Miscarriages are painful. PHYSICALLY PAINFUL. Cramping and bleeding can be intense and one of my biggest lingering triggers is normal menstrual cramping and bleeding. Kind of a double hit because women can be more emotional during their period and compound that with an emotional trigger response it can be very difficult. Very.
It can sort of throw me back. Triggers me to re-live those days where i was fighting emotional and physical anguish. It leaves me confused. Confused because I can’t avoid it. I am almost certain that the emotions that play into it make the cramps that much worse which is then a cycle that I just can’t seem to avoid.
It has slowed down a bit now because I am on birth control that stops monthly periods but the cramps still come and go and each time I can be caught off guard and will find myself back there.
It is hard. very hard. I am learning that it is okay to feel it. I am learning to sit in the grief because running away from it will not make it disappear. it will be ok.
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i pretty much stopped watching Grey's Anatomy b/c the repeated infant death and m/c scenes and the inaccurate storylines around prematurity and survival made me feel like i was getting hit by a truck.
my body, though? you're right, that one's hard to escape. i wish i had some great secret to share, but i don't.
i sat beside you at Blissdom on one of the morning panels. just wanted to say hi.
I cannot understand this at the level in which you have, however I can offer happy thoughts, condolences and sympathy for you each and every time you feel a heavy heart about your losses. Hugs my friend.
Thank you for this. Thank you.
Lots of thoughts and prayers as you learn to deal with all these challenging triggers! You are a strong and amazing woman!
I can relate to the body as a trigger thing. Once in awhile, I'll just look down at my chest and cry. And, we can't get away from these triggers. I don't have an answer for you, but wanted to offer love. <3