Today for the infant feeding series this guest poster offers a perspective we don’t often get to hear. There has been a lot of media coverage lately about breastfeeding and sexuality and how it affects our marriages, our bodies and our relationships. Today, my husband Ryan is offering his perspective on breastfeeding, marriage and parenting.
When my wife first asked me to do a guest post for her breastfeeding series I was a little confused as to what exactly I would be able to add to the conversation as I’ve obviously never breastfeed a baby. I though it was pretty funny when Peter Griffen gave it a try on Family Guy, creepy for sure but very funny. Then she explained that she was interested in getting a male perspective on how breastfeeding affects the way we raise our children and our relationship.
While I was trying to organize my thoughts on my male perspective I remembered a very controversial article about the negative effects breastfeeding can have on a marriage that I read a few months back. The article I’m referring to is titled Moms, Don’t Forget to Feed Your Marriages and was written by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach. If you’ve not read it, it may be beneficial for you to read over it before reading on as I’ll be referring to it through out this post. It can be found at this link:
Read it? Familiar with it? Good. Let’s move on then. So let me start by saying although I think the Rabbi makes some valid and interesting points, I disagree with a good 80% – 90% of what he’s written. I think if you were to sum up all of what he’s written into a general statement of “don’t entirely forget about your marriage while you breastfeed,” then it would be good advice to follow. There is a delicate balance between caring for a child and each other that the couple should strive for. I do believe that he had that general message in mind when he put forth the advice that he did. However I feel that message got lost when he used an extreme example of a couple in a troubled marriage to provide general advice to the masses.
The article blames failed marriages and adultery on a lack of sexual desire between partners and then pinpoints breastfeeding as a cause of that problem. In a nutshell it puts all the onus on the women to make sure that her spouse is sexually satisfied. Apparently it’s a cardinal sin “to put someone else before her spouse, even if that someone is your child.” It also says that it can feel the same as an extramarital affair “when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband.” I think this is an unrealistic male sense of entitlement.
My wife and I have three children. The first two were breastfeed for a short period and then moved on to bottles. Our third child has been exclusively breastfeed. My perspective on the subject covers both options of bottle and breast. In my experience exclusively breastfeeding is nothing for the husband to complain about. If any thing it’s like winning the lottery. Guys, I’m telling you that you should do everything in your power to encourage your wife to stick with breastfeeding. When the baby’s hungry at 3am and you’re not the one with a milk supply, you have nothing to be upset over. If your wife has decided to exclusively breastfeed then she has willing taken on most of the hard work of looking after a new born. She should be thanked for accepting that responsibility, not accused of destroying a marriage. Children need to eat. Breast were designed to feed them. If this is a problem for you then don’t have a child.
I do not miss bottles in anyway shape or form. I hate bottles. I hate formula. Formula kinda smells funny and babies always seem to find a way to have it leak all over them. Cleaning bottles is a tedious chore. Formula is expensive. I hate trying to feed a baby a bottle at ridiculous hours of the night to calm them down. I repeat, I do not miss bottles.
The article advises that a mother should cover up when breastfeeding her child to avoid decreasing the sexual attractiveness of her breast for her husband. I’ve never found my wife’s breast to lose any sex appeal because my child is feeding from them. The connection a mother and child have when breastfeeding is a truly beautiful and natural thing. If you are having jealousy issues and can’t separate sexuality and nourishment for your children, that’s your problem, not your wife or your child’s. Go cover your own eyes if you can’t deal with it.
As for sexuality, it does play a very important role in marriage. Having a child is a stress on any sex life regardless of whether the baby is bottle or breast fed. In the example used in the article the couples’ sex life had come to a complete stop. In no way do I pretend to be a marriage counselor but I would have to venture a guess that if that’s the case, there’s a lot more then just breastfeeding preventing that intimacy. And again I’d like to point out how out of place it is to use such an extreme example to offer general advice.
Have you seen how large engorged breast get? If anything breastfeeding can increase the sex appeal of the breasts. Unless large breast are not your thing, and to each their own, but I like it. This may be too much information and a little taboo for people, but for the sake of this post I’ll put it out there that breast milk taste good. Instead of it being a hindrance it can actually add to the enjoyment of a sexual experience. If that is odd for you to hear just think about where the milk in the carton in your fridge is coming from and then think of which one you’d rather drink from the source.
Well now that I’ve weird-ed out any of my relatives who read that last paragraph I’m going to wrap things up by saying my wife’s choice to exclusively breastfeed has been a wonderful experience and I’m hard pressed to find any negative consequences to the decision we made. That’s my male perspective on the subject and I encourage all husbands to support their wife’s decision to breastfeed your children.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
What an awesome perspective, thank you for sharing. I especially appreciate how you tied back your perspective to Rabbi Schmuley's controversial article.
My husband certainly has not become less attracted to me because I am breastfeeding. I have asked him to try the milk and he will not but that's his choice so I won't force it on him
I tried it when I was out of town and had to pump and I thought it tasted kind of weird – like almonds.
I have really enjoyed reading all the guest posts in this series!
I so agree with this — my hubby most definitely did not miss middle-of-the-night feedings. We were both in better shape when I exclusively nursed our second — he got more sleep and I just felt great doing what I could for her.
Great job, dad!
Love it! Kudos to your hubby for adding his voice in support of breastfeeding mothers. I agree with the point he made about the Rabbi's article – if breastfeeding was what made your marriage go over the edge, you were on the brink in the first place.
Great post. Thanks Ryan for offering your side, my husband would agree with everything you said. He is 100% supportive in our breastfeeding adventures and he thinks it's beautiful when I nurse my Ryann(a baby girl) and I often find him staring at us. And he totally loves that when she wakes in the middle of the night that if she needs to eat, he can roll over and keep sleeping.
Great post! Thanks for expressing what I think many husbands, mine included, would say if given the opportunity. It's great to hear a positive, supportive male opinion on breastfeeding.
My husband was very supportive while I nursed our first child and I know he will be the same with #2 when he or she arrives. I can imagine him agreeing with this piece and, since he's not one to shy away from saying what he thinks, adding that any husband feeling like something has been taken away from him because his wife is nursing is selfish, perhaps immature and needs to rethink his priorities.
Thank you for sharing your point of view Ryan!
I am hoping to find more proud papas of Breastfed babies to share their stories during World Breastfeeding week.
There seem to be so few of you openly and publicly speaking about your partner's decisions to breastfeed. I believe your voice is amazingly helpful and inspiring to both mothers and fathers of breastfed babies.
Great post!!!! You are a very lucky girl
I have had a similar experience. I have two kids have breastfed and still breastfeeding one. My husband has been nothing but supportive. He definately loves not having to do late night feedings too. But great post again thanks for sharing your thoughts…..inspiring =)
Way to go Ryan! My husband feels the exact same way! He likes the fact the Bailey is breastfed, and supports it 100%! Although I have heard him say it is a perk at night, not to have to juggle a bottle and get up to feed her, and I am happy to do this. I really like the reference to that article! GREAT post you guys!!
This is an awesome article. I was too blessed with a husband who encouraged me to breastfeed. I only bf 2 of my 4 kids for different reasons, but still my 2nd daughter was the one who breastfed the longest. My husband loved sitting next to me amazed at how amazing it was that I was actually feeding out daughter! He would cheer her on…it was weird but still, cute. As for the milk tasting good…yeah he said the same thing. for a while there…he used my breast milk for his coffee ;o) LOL
My husband feels the exact same way. Oldest went from breast to bottle due to lack of information and support and being tongue tied with no help from dr. When I met my husband and had our son, he was extremely supportive. I read him this article and he 100% agreed on your husband's point of view. He even used the same cows milk analogy when people were grossed out that he like my milk! It definitely helped, not hindered, our sex life.
My husband was our cheerleader! When BF was at the most painful (cracked nipple and mastitis), He was the one that said, "Give it one more week." And I'm so glad I listened. Here we are, 8 months later still breastfeeding!
And, as if that wasn't good enough, he would get up in the middle of the night and bring our daughter to me, so that I wouldn't have to get up! He would also put her back in her bassinet/crib when we were done. I had a c-section so getting up was a bit of a struggle in the beginning, but he continued to get up with us for a few months.
Good post!! I breastfeed 3 of my 5 kids! And it was all because hubby really wanted me too!!
Saw that you won the BlogHer ticket!!! Congrats and have LOTS of fun!!
I love this. My husband wrote a letter to Schmuley for writing that article, here is a tasty tidbit, "To separate a man and woman’s love for each other from the offspring it produces is like saying that you want all sunrises and no sunsets. The universe will not bend over for your perversions, Sir!"
Thanks for this, we got a kick out of this blog!
How refreshing! A couple of days ago a friend of mine and I were asked to "leave or cover or go to the bathroom" at a Target store because we were discreetly BFing. There are still some pretty horrid attitudes out there concerning bfing, no doubt owing to people like Schmuley and their ridiculous patriarchal dogma and creepy sense of entitlement. I would go even further and say that the ills of our society can and should be blamed on the objectification and dehumanization of women which Schmuley keeps on maliciously doing over and over again!!! I don't know whether he is aware of it or not. But for a supposedly educated man, he is sorely lacking in the most basic understanding of himself and his fellow human beings. My husband is a Hungarian Jew and though that the piece the Schmuley wrote was "a bunch of crocks and utter nonsense!". Need I say I love my hubby?