Today the lovely Nikki from Mommy Oblongata is so kind to share her story and her struggle with breastfeeding and the guilt she experienced when introducing formula as well. Here is her story in her own words:
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I never thought I would have a problem breastfeeding. All the women in my family have been blessed with fabulous milk makers that could feed multiple children, so I assumed I would be fine. Plus, at around 28 weeks pregnant I started excreting colostrum, so I had no doubt in my mind I was going to have plenty of milk for my new baby.
When my son was born, he had a very mild form of torticollis. It wasn’t too bad that a little bit of stretch therapy has completely remedied him, but enough where he preferred to lay only on one side while nursing.
So, I would do the cross cradle position for one side and the football hold for the other. This affected my supply a little. On the side I had to use the football hold, he never ate much out of, so that side’s supply kept going down.
Then, my son had his first check up and it was discovered he had lost more weight since leaving the hospital…which is never good for a very young infant. I was told by my pediatrician to feed him basically whenever he wanted food and not to go over two hours between feedings. In addition, I was to nurse him on each side for 20 minutes. When it boiled down to it, I would feed my son for twenty minutes, burp, twenty more minutes, burb and then we had an hour before he would need to eat again. I felt like a Jersey Cow offering my boob to my child over 12 times a day.
At the next appointment to check his weight, he still hadn’t gained what the pediatrician would have liked, so they chalked it up to my supply. Cue the herbal supplements, mother’s tea, gallons of water and even non-alcoholic beer to increase my supply. I tried it all. In addition, now after the hour of feeding for my son, I had to pump any amount that was left in me out so that my body would make more milk. Now I only had 40 minutes between feedings.
And at his next weigh in, my son had gained weight, but he still wasn’t where the doctor wanted him to be. So the doctor suggested something that I knew was coming but dreaded hearing. Supplement with formula.
GUILT! Oh, the mommy guilt hit me like a wave crashing down on my wonderful breastfeeding dreams. How could I not make enough to feed my baby? I was his mommy! I was letting him down! I felt like a failure to my child, and I worse, I called myself a failure. I felt worthless. Feeding my child was the one thing I could do that no one else could. It was our special thing, and it was being taken away from me.
And of course, the more stressed out and depressed I got about being a failure, the less milk I made. So, I had to swallow my pride and realize that my baby needed to be fed, no matter how it was done.
So we began supplementing with formula, and even though I was warned that he might refuse it and the bottle, he took to it like a champ. That was both a good thing and a bad thing for me. Good, because if he hadn’t taken to it, I don’t know what I would have done…probably gone even crazier than I already was at that point! But bad, because I kind of wanted him to refuse it. I wanted to see him like my milk better. That was just me being selfish. I know that now.
Month by month my supply kept going down. I never did anything differently, it just went down. What started out as one bottle of formula a day, turned into two and is now currently three. Along the way, I kept giving myself goals. “I’m going to try to make it until I go back to work.” “I’m going to try to make it until he is four months old.” “I’ll keep going until he is six months.” He is now a little over six months and he is nursed in the morning and right before bed. I’ve now made my goal, “He will continue to nurse until he doesn’t want to anymore or until my supply is completely gone.”
That in a very long nutshell is my breastfeeding/formula supplementing story. I still have guilt from time to time. Mostly when I read other blogs or articles advocating that all women can breast feed and if they can’t then they aren’t trying hard enough. Ladies, I tried, and it didn’t work for me. I don’t know what makes some women have gallons of milk and some women have little, but I can’t let that make me feel guilty anymore. I couldn’t keep up, that’s the fact, but I also have a son who is in the 95th percentile for weight now, so I don’t feel like such a failure anymore!
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Thank you so much Nikki for sharing your story! Stop my her site and give her a Hello and browse around!
:: Did you do a combo Breastfeeding/Formula Feeding for your children?::
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
I can sooooo relate to this post!!! I thought I had prepared myself for breastfeeding before my son was born and therefore it wasn't going to be a problem for me. However, he was born a month early and after a four hour pushing phase, he had severe jaundice. He latched right away – but had no energy to get enough milk and kept falling asleep. As the days went on, he was at my breast every hour but my milk supply was still going way down. Just like Nikki, one of my breasts dried almost completely up (permanently) because my son favored the opposite side. I bought a bump and was on two herbal supplements – but he was hospitalized and fed through an IV because he'd lost so much weight and was still not over his jaundice. My pediatrician said he must be on formula for FOUR days. I was so relieved when the four days were over and he'd not only recovered from jaundice, gained his weight (and then some) back – but also took back to my breast as if he'd never gone without it. (I had continued to put him there as his pacifier during those four days) The problem, though, was every time I stopped pumping my milk supply would go down again. He'd seem to nurse flawlessly, but he was a big eater (ended up being in the 90th percentile for weight) and wasn't getting all that he needed from breastfeeding, so then I'd have to pump so that I could give him more. It was an endless cycle of both nursing him and pumping every two hrs for nine months!!! I kept thinking it was going to get easier. . .it's hard to see women who just do it without any effort. . .but every time I'd have an easy week, the next one would be a step back. It was the hardest and most exhausting experience of my life but, as a stay at home mom, I centered my life around both pumping and nursing all day long and planned to continue until he was a year old. However, the day after he turned 9 months old he stopped cold turkey. I continued to try for two weeks but it was clear that he had weaned himself and so I let nature take it's course and that was the end of my breastfeeding journey. I have since had many friends who experienced similar stories and I tell them that it doesn't matter how long or how much you do – if you do something, if you try it for a little while, you should give yourself a million pats on the back! Unfortunately, many people don't understand the rollercoaster. . .so thank you for sharing your story and reminding mothers that this is not something to feel guilty or beat yourself up about if you are forming a wonderful bond with your child and he/she is healthy.
Oh the guilt that comes with formula feeding – we had trouble here too – and by we – I mean "I" – but I really came to the realization that whatever my daughter needed to be healthy whether it was breast milk or formula is what was best for her.
Andrea,
Thank you for your comment and sharing your story. I used to be so "proud" of myself if I had a good week of pumping at work. I would come home and show my bottles off to my husband as if they were some kind of award (which they were to me). But then the following week, I would have very little. I still don't understand it!
Mommytojenna,
That is what I had to realize too, it just took some time to get over my guilt.
Apparently my milk was like water to H. I had an okay supply and she ate pretty well. But the doctors freaked me out when she lost weight from her 2 month and 4 month appointment. So cue the supplementing. And my supply decreased with my crazy work schedule and not being able to pump enough. I'll be honest, I was kind of relieved when I threw in the towel. There was so much anxiety attached to me breastfeeding. I am glad we made it almost 5 months, and I will definitely do it again next time around. But geez, the guilt we associate with breastfeeding is enough to drive you crazy!
Oh, dear. I hate the breast vs. bottle debate so much. In the end, you have to do what's right for your family and your baby's health. If that means supplementing or going formula only, so be it.
You did a great job! What a trooper!
D,
To be honest, a part is happy I no longer pump at work. But I will definitely miss the bonding time between me and the babe at night and in the morning when he is fully weaned.
KLZ,
I hate it too! I've never been a "bottle is bad" type of person. You either breastfeed, bottle feed or do both in my case. Actually, I never knew you could do both before I had a child, so my experience has been a learning one.
I guess I just had this idea of a perfect breastfeeding relationship with my son in my head and when it didn't work out that way, I was hurt.
I had the same rosy view of breastfeeding when i had my first. It would all be so lovely! But I had flat nipples, he had a poor suck, and my milk didn't come in for almost two weeks (thanks, fluids to support my epidural!).
I'll spare you the details but we had to supplement w/ this awful prescription-only, hypoallergenic formula due to his severe allergy issues. Finally weaned him at 6 months. It was awful, the whole thing, and I felt so guilty and also like a mom failure.
What's so interesting is how much pediatricians panic if the baby isn't back to the birth weight by the first few days. It can take two weeks, and as long as the baby is gaining, it's not a big deal. And? It makes US stressed and upset which doesn't help milk production.
I could go on and on. Instead, I will just say bravo to you for FEEDING YOUR CHILD. And know that you are NOT alone!
Did you have a c-section. I had 9 kids and nursed the 1st 8… Baby 9 was a c-section and all the fat that I was producing was going to heal my body… my baby was not getting fat to put on the weight. My baby is 7 now, but it took me 3 years to stop crying about it.
You have to do what you have to do… so the baby can live. You tried and that counts…