Hindsight is 20/20 – that is what they say right? Do you ever wish you could go back in time – back to the future style – and share some words of wisdom to yourself? At times I find myself wishing I had that super power – or technology caught up because I could have some interesting/heartbreaking conversations with myself…
What I Wish I Could Have Told My Younger Self About: Miscarriage:
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Dear Devan
I think that you should sit down because what I have to tell you is not going to be easy to hear. It will seem near impossible but I am so sorry to tell you it is true. In 5 short years you will experience one of the hardest journeys you will have been on in your 28 years of life and experience 10 heartbreaking & painful miscarriages. Yes, 10.
You will bounce from worry for ever getting pregnant because of your previous surgeries for ovarian cysts to worrying about never carrying a pregnancy to term. However, after your first 3 miscarriages you will become obsessed with basal body temping and you will be diagnosed with a short luteal phase and progesterone deficiency. Although this is part of the answer after you have your healthy boy and start trying to conceive again you will be punched in the heart with 2 more miscarriages.
You will be strong and try to pretend this is not affecting you as much as it really is. You will not share your feelings with anyone, not your husband, your family or friends. You will battle through it and you will be blessed with your second full term child – a beautiful girl.
I wish I could tell you this was the end of your heartache. You will in fact endure 4 more and then you will become pregnant again and you will pass your 8th week and think you will be welcoming your third child in a handful of months. A phone call that literally brings you to your knees will have you broken in ways you could not imagine. Your amazing husband will be there to catch you. He will guide you through the surgery and he will be your rock. Triton will be with you forever and you will think about him a lot. After some new medical plans and medication you will welcome your third healthy child and she will bring you back from some of that darkness and sadness.
I wish I could tell you that all this wouldn’t happen, I wish I could stop it from happening. The reality is this experience, this wordless journey will define so much of who you are – not negatively. Good things will come from it – you will see just how strong your marriage is – just how incredible your husband is to help hold you up when you thought you were sinking. Your children will bring so much joy to your life because you know how much you fought and ached for them. You will realize how strong you are and that this – motherhood – was without a doubt what you were put on this earth to do.
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Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Hugs to you. Wow.
I leave posted notes all over my house because of my seizures. I wish I could do that for the 22 year old I was. Somethings just need a hug ahead of time. (And sometimes you just need to be reminded that even you opened a door, you didn't make anyone come in.)
Didn't mean to delete the first comment, I goof'd!
Wow, thanks for sharing this with us…
I just suffered my first miscarriage. This post made me cry. I am so sorry for all that you have endured and appreciate you sharing it here and above all your complete honesty.
You have inspired me to write my younger self a letter.
I am your newest follower and a big fan.
If you are interested in reading my story, I write Letters For Lucas. http://lettersforlucas.blogspot.com/
Keep on keeping on!
Much, much love. How I wish that we didn't have to do this, that so many women could find a sisterhood in joy instead of sadness. I try to remind myself that the right child WILL come into my life when he/she is supposed to… hugs always…
Wow. Thank you for sharing that
Sometimes you just need a hug ahead of time… wow – what poignant words. You have so inspired me to write a letter to my younger self. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, your letter brought tears to my eyes! You have had one amazing journey and I appreciate the fact that you shared it with us! It really would be cool to send a letter to your younger self. Have you heard the Brad Paisley song letter to me? It is really good you should check it out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQ3bn7V0zdU
You have endured so much and your heart is open, strong and full of love. Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us.
If only we could all go back in time…….. IF I could write a letter to me at 18 this is what it would say,"Everything is going to be okay…you just have to promise to never give up. The road is going to be longer and harder then most anything anyone has to face in a lifetime but no matter what this world throws at you…you are bigger and stronger..and in the end, you are going to be happier then you ever could have imagined"
Thanks for sharing your letter Devan…yuo too are bigger and stronger then anything this workld could ever throw at you!
Hugs to you Devan. You have me crying for you. You are an amazing person. Thank you for opening up your heart to share. Hugs again.