Social media is amazing. It has brought so much to my life – new friendships, new connections and an amazing wealth of information. There is kind of a dark side that brought up something I never really paid attention to in my life before.
The Good and Bad. The Black and White.
The idea that there is NO in between in motherhood and parenting.
There is no question that I label myself as an “attachment parent” & use a “gentle parenting” style as far as discipline and teaching. i talk about our families choices in breastfeeding, co sleeping, bed sharing, baby wearing, baby led weaning, no sleep training, no circumcisions that are not medically indicated, natural consequences for discipline and that i am a stay at home mother.
On ‘the other hand’ i use disposable diapers, vaccinate, use a stroller as well, do not eat or buy organic food, formula fed my older two children, let my kids watch tv, had 2 early labor inductions, took medication while pregnant and breastfeeding and yet …
I still label myself an attachment parent.
I don’t know where the idea came about that if someone talks about their decisions and lifestyle that influence their parenting & label themselves accordingly that it automatically means if you are not doing those things that you are doing something wrong – or that you are anti “my self-imposed label”.
Parenting is grey. It is not just black or white.
I strongly believe in our families decisions regarding our parenting and discipline. Very strongly believe in them. If i didn’t, i would not be doing (or not doing) them. However, that does not mean that i automatically think that if you disagree with my decisions that I think what you are doing is wrong. I believe that every parent raises their children with their own values, styles because they strongly believe in them. I just might disagree. simply put.
and that is OKAY.
Parenting is hard. & labels are only self imposed. There is no one sized fits all. & as long as you are parenting with the best intentions, some ‘research’ (talking, reading, living) and listening to your instincts who am i {or you} to place labels on someone else.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Once again I find myself nodding in agreement with your sentiments. I don’t think that any of us parent exactly the same or will make the same decisions in a pinch, no matter what our “labels” are. The reality is, like you said, that we all parent uniquely, with our families needs in mind. That is a wonderful, beautiful thing. If we all did everything the same way, we’d live in Zombie-land and that would just get ugly!
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I totally agree that there is no such thing as one-size parenting. I mean, I think that we all have to tendency to believe that our way is the “best way” because if we didn’t believe that we probably wouldn’t be doing it that way, but we should never presume to know what’s best for others and their specific situation.
I too label my parenting style as AP, but to me, the basis of AP-parenting IS about trusting YOUR instincts. Not letting anyone else tell you how things should be done
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
February 10, 2011 at 4:51 pm
Absoultely – AP is about trusting your instincts. I think people also misunderstand AP a LOT & the true ‘definition’ has nothing to do with certain aspects people lump into it (like living green or circumcision etc)
Can I get an AMEN?? A little bit louder, please? I love ‘parenting is grey.’ How true! I think we all take from all different styles, some more than others. And I think this post is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
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Twitter: mrsmidatlantic
February 10, 2011 at 11:27 am
All the labels drive me nuts! Great post – thank you! (I think this is what I was trying to say in my own post yesterday…)
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
February 10, 2011 at 4:58 pm
I honestly do not mind the labels. I would just be angered if someone else labeled me — or disregarded them as something that is just ‘mainstream’ or ‘trendy’ — i do my research and go with my gut — if that is trendy then EVERYONE’s parenting style is ‘trendy’.
I am very outright by the label that i have put on my style of parenting — I do believe strongly in attachment parenting philosophies — but that said – just because i label my parenting as an “attached parenting” does not at all mean that if someone does different or ‘opposite’ to what my style is – i am not labeling them as a ‘detached parent’ — they have nothing to do with each other.
Twitter: randi094
February 10, 2011 at 3:12 pm
You nailed it! I didn’t breastfeed (although I wanted to), I bought jarred baby food, I didn’t co-sleep and I vaccinate. These choices were right for MY family. I understand that that may be different for another family. Parenting is definitely grey.
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Twitter: cltalbert
February 10, 2011 at 3:56 pm
I agree with you. Every parent is different and we all have our own style. I don’t think it is right to label your particular style. You parent the way you personally feel is best for your children.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
February 10, 2011 at 4:53 pm
I dont mind if people label themselves. I do outright call my style ‘attachment parenting’ & i practice ‘gentle discipline’ but i would never label another families style. & also just because i label my style ‘attachment parenting’ does not mean i would consider a family who does the opposite ‘unattached parenting’ … one really has nothing to do with the other.
I agree with your post and strongly believe that choosing what works best for your own family is all that matters. With labels comes judgement and questions and curiosity. Maybe not all three from everyone, but a combination of one, two or all three at any one of the labels we give ourselves.
My experience in the classroom taught me a lot about labeling. It’s not always a good thing. I’d rather forego all the labeling and just call myself mom. The rest isn’t important for anyone else.
“it’s none of my business what other people think if me”
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
February 10, 2011 at 5:29 pm
I LOVE that quote!!
This is exactly why I don’t label my parenting.
I did a combination of breastfeeding and formula feeding. We co slept but did not bed share. We sleep trained but did baby led weaning. I wore her when it was convenient and didn’t when it wasn’t.
Everything I do is gray and I like it that way
Twitter: NpnrzKSPZWbhaYfUgu
January 2, 2013 at 8:54 am
I thought of this post again today (read it a cpluoe of weeks ago). I just saw the movie a few weeks before your post I had it on hold at the library for months!I think all the parents are shown in an outrageous light or in the extreme form, though I couldn’t help but wish for a more reasonable presentation of AP (or continuum concept parentsm which they actually seemed to be portraying) since so many people will see the film.But that’s not the kind of film it was. There were many uncomfortable these people have gone too far moments for all three families. Also, I wanted to tell you, too, that my interpretation/experience of the film was influenced by knowing who the writer of the movie was. The writers were a husband and wife, who have two young kids. They are both novelists, with the husband being the rather famous Dave Eggers. He is a big-hearted but also very wacky/humorous dude. It helps me understand the film I am sure they encountered all these types of parents as they began their own journey and wanted to present them all out-sized. Thanks for your post!
Twitter: lifeasaSAHM
February 10, 2011 at 9:32 pm
I label what I do because I like it. ::shrug:: I guess I’m in the minority on this one. I like to have a purpose and a goal in mind for whatever I do – be it mothering or out in the workforce.
I had a label when I worked, so why not now?
Love this post Devan.
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