As you all know I consider myself an ‘attachment parent’. I am pretty strong in some of my parenting philosophies and feel very passionate about how my choices can affect my kids. I am going to be honest with you here – although I try to be non-judgmental and will never tell another mother or family what not to do – I have strong opinions about certain parenting methods.
I totally get the notion of needing to do what is right for your family so I will never attack someone for making that choice for their family – whatever it is. I know I am about to “unleash” on a touchy subject here so I need to preface it by saying I am not judging you/your family/your choices if you have done/will do the CIO/”modified CIO/”Ferber Method” – but I personally do not agree with it.
I remember back when Big P was only 5 months old. I had people asking me if he was sleeping through the night yet – and I really didn’t get it. I mean – he is only 5 months old. He still woke up every 2 hours to eat and didn’t ever sleep more then 4 hours at a time. Was it hard? Heck yes! Was it NORMAL? Heck yes! He didn’t start sleeping through the night (which in medical terms actually means 5 hour stretches) until he was 2.5 years old. Princess R got into a routine of sleeping through the night when she was 18 months old, and Baby E, well, she is not there yet at 15 months old.
I am surprised with the amount of criticism I received because I was not ‘sleep training’ my babies. I have been told that I am spoiling my kids, that they would never learn to “self-sooth” and that I was setting them up for unhealthy attachment. I am so thankful that I was confident in my choices to not ‘sleep train’ and stuck with my beliefs. It is easy to switch up what in your heart you believe to be the best for your kids when you are met with opposition.
The main reaction I get to why I should “sleep train” my child (other then to allow myself more sleep) is that my child will learn how to ‘self sooth’ and that is good for them. The idea that they will be able to calm themselves down and go back to sleep themselves when/if they wake up at night. This statement bothers me to an extreme.
I do agree a child needs to learn how to fall asleep peacefully and to be able to go back to sleep on their own – but expecting this of a baby at 3, 4 or 5 months old is expecting too much. I would even go as far as saying expecting that of a child under 2 years old may be expecting too much. Each child learns at a different rate and we don’t expect our 3 month old to feed themselves, or use a toilet or walk – so why do we expect so much from them with it comes to sleep?I understand that babies cry, trust me I have 3 kids and they cry – but to me there is a big difference between a crying baby alone in their room in a crib and a crying baby in the arms of their mom or dad or family friend.
I also understand that sometimes Mom’s need a break from the screaming so I am not talking about those few in between times you need to leave baby safely in the crib and leave the room for 5 minutes for your sanity.I am talking about the “why isn’t my 5 month old sleeping for 8-12hrs at night” times. Routine – not crying – is the best set up for peaceful “sleep training”. If you set up the same routine baby will anticipate that it is bedtime and will know what to expect. Most children (baring some underlying issue) will eventually sleep more then 5 hours at a time.
No one said parenting was easy – night time parenting is just as important as day time parenting and expecting our babies to learn to sleep to our schedules is just asking too much.
What is your experience with sleep and your kids? What routine do you use that works?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
we did ferber at 8 months and it worked for us and felt right. it sucked, of course, but im glad we did it. i respect, and admire those who dont. its hard either way!
sleep must be on everyones mind, i wrote about it yesteday adn i feel like many bloggers have been writing about it recently!
I agree with you in your feelings and decisions. While there were times when my kids were younger I felt they just need to cry it out, I still fed mine every two hours until they got to a point where they would go 4 hours without eating, on their own. None of my kids slept through the night (i.e. longer than 5 hours) until they were at least 7 months old, and not a one of them slept more than 8 hours until they were well over a year old. We just sort of let them progress to a normal sleeping pattern on their own. Before all these methods were developed…the world went on. Babies woke and babies slept. You know as a mother what is right and best for your child and you are the only on that matters in those issues! Good for you for standing up for yourself and doing what you as a mother knows is best for your babies!
We also did Ferber and it was the best decision for us and her. By night four she was sleeping 12 hours and has been for quite some time. That being said, I appeciate all of the parenting styles out there and I think it's important for people to find the style that works best for their situation. For us, this made the most sense. However, had work not been looming in the horizon, I may have been more likely to wait it out a little while longer.
Good post.
I also agree with your feelings.
Of course, in the interest of full disclosure, Turtle has always been a "good sleeper." He transitioned seamlessly from PNP to crib in our room to crib in his room and he just honestly loves his sleep.
If he's crying, it's because there's a problem, and I consider myself an "attentive parent," meaning I attend to Turtle's needs. Some people call it AP Lite. Whatever.
I think "sleep-training" methods can be helpful, and I would never reject them out of hand because I don't have any experience whatsoever, but in our case, this is what works.
Great Post! I have also heard from MANY friends about being on a schedule, sleep training, etc…I guess I am just not as into it. Bailey has been sleeping through the night since 3 weeks, not to say we have not had our ups and downs (cause we have) but she is a good night sleep, I nurse her till drowsy and she then goes down. When she does cry, we let her cry for a couple minutes and then go and pat her head, etc…it works for us and that is what matters, right? Yeah, and I just can not stand her crying for long…it breaks my heart.
After 3 totally sleepless nights, and 7 weeks of age for my babe, I don't know how you did this for 2.5 years repeat.
I have no idea what I plan to do, but I agree with many of your points. Definitely need to research all this stuff. When I can see through these weary eyes again!
There are so many different styles of parenting and it is nice to see that you found your own way despite what our educational backround told us.
As an expectant first time mom I am already hearing peoples oppinions on how I should raise my first child. The advice I give to moms IF they ask…Do what works for you! I am not sure if your parenting style would work for me and my husband but if it works for you, then GREAT!
NorthernRose
We let our children lead the way. I agree with you.
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We consider ourselves "attached" parents. We co-slept and did a small time with bedsharing. I follow a lot of the philosophies of attachment parenting, but also realize that some of the attached way isn't our style or doesn't fit our needs. With that being said, after some horrible sleep habits with Ryann waking EVERY HOUR TO HALF HOUR for weeks…we had to do something. We were all exhausted and unhappy and it was wearing on JP and I. So I read a bunch of books, realized Ryann associated ME and NURSING with sleep. I had to break that association. So Jp did all the soothing and I started taking night feedings away because she did NOT need to eat 8 times a night. So we modified CIO and the longest she fussed (we never let her full out cry) was 14 mins…and that was after 2 soothing sessions from Jp. She slept! She slept through the night and woke up happier than ever! It was glorious and since then we've had our ups and downs with her sleeping but I always refer to the research and what is best for us. I never leave her crying and screaming and we absolutely soothe her when needed. And I feel confident that I know her "i need help right now" cry vs. "i'm tired and fussy and you holding me won't make a difference, I need to fall asleep on my own" cry.
Great post, and I've learned that I never judge another parent because I"m not up with them in the wee hours of the night and we all have our reasons for doing what we do, whether I agree or not.
I think everyone has to do what works for them.
I did do a version of Ferber. But, it was only after my kids were closer to a year. I don't think it's realistic to expect babies to sleep through the night.
Love how you put your opinions out there! Stopping by to thank you for visiting me on my SITS day and I'm happy to have found your blog! New follower here.
I have four kids and w/ each one of them, I kind of let them lead the way….I have been VERY lucky w/ my kids,by 4 months they were all sleeping through the night,to the point where I had to wake up just to make sure they were still breathing.
I agree with you Devan. When C was young things were hard… really hard. Her 'colic' lasted until she was 6 months old and it literally took Nick 1 1/2 hours EVERY NIGHT rocking her in the bathroom with the shower running to get her to fall asleep. She was CIO but in our arms… every night. Eventually we transferred her to her crib because after 6 months of screaming for 10+ hours a day – this mama was going to loose it. But we didn't expect her to sleep through the night, I was still up to nurse her every 2-3 hours, and we were in her room to snuggle, shhhhsh and rock her back to sleep (3-4 times a night) until she was about 18 months.
I agree with you that expecting babies to sleep for 8-12 hours a night is just crazy! I mean, I can't even sleep that long and sometimes need to wake Nick up with a "were you sleeping" conversation to get back to sleep. Parenting doesn't stop at 10pm!
My youngest took the longest to get to sleep through the night – and I believe it's because he slept in our room til he was a year and the first 2 kids had to be weaned by six months due to allergy issues.
He was still waking every 2-3 hours to nurse at 7 or 8 months, and frankly, I was exhausted. It affected my ability to parent my other two kids. We finally moved him out of our room and into his brother's room right after he turned 1. He's now 14 months and sleeps almost 11 hours a night. And I'm a new woman!
I think you have made some really good points that I agree with:
1) No one should expect a 3, 4 or 5 month old to sleep through the night. In fact, I think in general we need to modify our expectations of baby sleep and take that pressure of "is your baby sleeping through the night" that all of us get asked almost right away.
2) CIO and Sleep training are not the only ways to help a child learn to self sooth. Not using these methods does not mean your kid is not ever going to know how to fall asleep on their own.
3) Bed time routines are the best!
But here is where I disagree with you:
1) For some kids (ie mine) CIO is sometimes what they need. My daughter started to refuse any effort to put her to sleep around 5 months. Rocking, carrying, feeding, singing, anything= her screaming and arching her back. We tried CIO and within days she was falling sleep on her own, no problem. She is a tension releaser (Google "Ask Moxie and Tension releaser") and she needs to fuss in order to fall asleep. Not every kid is like her. But some are. And I don't think it harms your attachment to your kid to use this method IF it works for your kid.
2) If the situation is so incredibly unbearable for the parents (like waking up every 1/2 hour at 12 months) then it is perfectly reasonable to try something (although not necessarily CIO) to get your kid to sleep through the night. Yes night time parenting is just as important as day time parenting, but if you are 100% miserable because you can't get any sleep you aren't going to be a good parent day or night. There needs to be a balance between meeting the needs of our kids and meeting our needs so we can meet the needs of our kids.
Sorry for the epic comment!
I am just glad to hear that you are confident about your parenting choices. I am pretty strong willed about my choices as well, but still fall back on health of the family as way more important and life changing than method. Many people really like to camp out on method, but since I don't think there is only one way, I camp out on the "How's your marriage?" & "What things are you doing this week to keep yourself healthy and sane?"
let them talk. you know what's best for your kids. until now, my 2-year-old son co-sleeps with us. he slept through the night before he turned a year old, but there are days that he wants to reach out to mommy for comfort. co-sleeping is the best way to make sure that both of us get the amount of sleep we need.
shuttling in from SITS
hey! I just wanted to chime in that I agree with your stance. CIO may not be for you, but you realize that it may be for others.
We did Ferber under the advice of our pediatrician at 7 months old after I had a breakdown in the office because I wasn't getting any sleep. It was the hardest night of my life. But my son's sleep got MUCH better after that.
Until he regressed.
And the weird thing is that now, I can't bring myself to CIO with him anymore. Now that he has this little personality and he knows who I am, I can't do it. I'm like Lindsey, though, and I can tell the difference between his "I AM BEING EATEN ALIVE BY THIS CRIB SAVE ME NOW" cry and his "WHAT THE? WHY AM I AWAKE" fuss.
Parenting, in general, is really hard.
I'm glad I came back to see the comments, you have some great followers.
Thanks Lindsey – I have the BEST readers – I really love the discussions we have!
I just found this after browsing through some of your site.
I have 2 boys, 9 months and 3 years and I've kept both boys in our room in a bassinet for the first couple months. I wish I could co-sleep, but my husband is such a sound sleeper I would never get any sleep with a baby in our bed – I've had to wake him up for rolling over and pinning ME down! For the first 6 months with my first, I swear everyday I heard that dreaded question. Before I had him, I knew CIO wasn't for us, but after being worn down by everyone and living a zombie like existence – he was waking every 1hr 1/2 – 2hrs, I thought maybe I was just being stubborn and this was what he needed. At first I thought I would try going in at 5min, 10min etc…but I didn't make it to 5min the first time he cried, went in after 5 min the next time and again after 5 min the third..and that's where I stopped. I went in to comfort him without picking him up like I was 'supposed' to and he rolled away from me and curled up in the corner of his crib. I scooped him up and we both balled our eyes out for what seemed like forever and I swore I would never go against my instincts again. I know it works for some people, but definitely not for us. I have found that both my boys are different in every way except one, they both need schedules. Once they began eating, napping and sleeping at (relatively) the same time every day, night sleep fell into place.
i agree with 5 months being too young to expect them to sleep, but at one year, or 2 years..i think they definitely should and could be expected to sleep for a greater amount of time. its hard for us adults to wake up every few hours to put the baby back to sleep, so its just as uncomfortable and restless for the baby to be waking up as often. at 7 months i finally started the cry it out method and it was one of the hardest things i've ever done. i still feel bad about it but my daughter sleeps much better now (usually) and she is happier and more well rested throughout the day.
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October 4, 2011 at 10:48 am
My perspective is, I know someone who was adopted as a toddler because she was being neglected in the original home. When she arrived at her new home, her parents were amazed the first day at how long she was sleeping in–until they went into her room and found her sitting silently in the crib. She never cried, because she had never learned to associate crying with her needs being fulfilled. She has had to deal with attachment disorder as she has gotten older, but she is a lovely person. She “turned out okay.” I get upset when I hear “they turned out okay” offered as a justification for a parenting practice. I never could bring myself to use a parenting practice that in my personal experience was most closely associated with drug-addicted neglect. If babies do not yet have object permanence, they are not crying every night until they realize that you aren’t coming in. They are crying very night because they think you are gone forever, until they finally exhaust themselves. I think that letting babies CIO after reaching this milestone is one thing, but before is entirely another.