I can not shake it. It creeps up out of no where. No explanation and no escape. No rhyme or reason.
Everything is calm one moment. I am sitting with my three children playing around me – happy and healthy. Perfect.
I feel my heart racing.
My breathing gets quicker.
Someone is missing.
That moment – while passing in under a minute – feels like a life time. That panic that is like no other I have had. A panic that I can not logically explain hits me. hard.
I have tried to figure out what this panic is. How to make it go away. How to at least brace myself for it.
I wonder if I am missing my angels. If in that moment they are thinking of me or around me. I am not religious so I really don’t know if i can believe that is what is going on. Perhaps in that moment I am wondering what could have been?
That brief moment of panic is painful.
Could it be my wish to have a fourth child? Could this be something that happens to other miscarriage survivors?Share This Post: Tweet