I can not shake it. It creeps up out of no where. No explanation and no escape. No rhyme or reason.
This feeling.
This panic.
Everything is calm one moment. I am sitting with my three children playing around me – happy and healthy. Perfect.
I feel my heart racing.
My breathing gets quicker.
Someone is missing.
That moment – while passing in under a minute – feels like a life time. That panic that is like no other I have had. A panic that I can not logically explain hits me. hard.
I have tried to figure out what this panic is. How to make it go away. How to at least brace myself for it.
I can’t.
I wonder if I am missing my angels. If in that moment they are thinking of me or around me. I am not religious so I really don’t know if i can believe that is what is going on. Perhaps in that moment I am wondering what could have been?
That brief moment of panic is painful.
Unsettling.
Could it be my wish to have a fourth child? Could this be something that happens to other miscarriage survivors?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Sometimes I look around when my whole family is together; eating dinner, watching tv, at holidays, and feel like someone is missing. I think all pregnancy loss survivors feel that empty place sometimes.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 9:36 am
such a lonely feeling. thank you for helping me feel less alone ♥
There’s a great group of girls on thebump.com on the “Parenting After Loss” board. A lot of us had our losses around the same time, we all have kids now. Check it out if you’re interested. They’re full of warm fuzzies and hugs.
Abby Elliott recently posted..Aunt Beckys MemebutMe
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 10:08 am
Thank you Abby – I will check it out.
As a miscarriage survivor of 15 miscarriages that were officially confirmed, 2 still borns, the death of my dd on christmas day when she was 2.5 yrs old, trust me hunny it’s normal. I am 25 and have suffered all that but thankfully i have been blessed with one happy healthy little girl who’s going to be 4 in June. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder and depression. I used to feel so alone. Thank you for sharing this with us. Bless your heart <3
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 10:08 am
I am so sorry for all you’ve been through. Thank you for taking the time to share your words ♥
I often get anxious when I can’t “see” Ryann in the our future. I can’t imagine her with longer hair, going to Kindergarten, having fights with friends, driving. Is it because something will happen to her and she’ll be taken away from me? Probably not. But it’s a real worry, and fear I often have.
I’m sorry you are feeling anxious and like something/someone is missing. Will a fourth baby make you feel complete? Who knows, but if it’s in your heart to expand your family, it will happen.
Hugs and much love my friend.
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And by fourth baby I meant a full term pregnancy and delivery. I know you’ve had many angel babies. But you probably knew what I meant.
LCW recently posted..Happy New Year! NOT
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 12:15 pm
♥ i knew what you meant
thanks so much for your words
Twitter: randi094
January 4, 2011 at 12:42 pm
I’m sorry that I can’t provide you with great words of wisdom or anything. I can’t imagine what that many loses must feel like. I am thinking of you and hope that you find answers. If you want to expand your family, I say go for it
! I am so ready for baby news {wink} 
.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 12:47 pm
Thank you Miranda.
i dont think a new babe is in the close future for us. Maybe in the later future
Twitter: randi094
January 4, 2011 at 12:59 pm
I hear ya! Same here
Thoughts with you my dear. I think it entirely possible it’s one of your little angels.
Khara recently posted..From Here To Eternity – Trendy Award
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm
Thank you Khara
Panic is always such a horrid thing. I am so very rarely able to talk myself out of it. Hopefully calm and peace will come to you. Hug your babes, smile at your angels. I have 3 babes and 3 angels, and sometimes it all gets to be too much. Give yourself some room.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 4, 2011 at 11:14 pm
♥ Thank you so much Kim. I am so sorry for your losses. It’s not easy. I appreciate your words!
Thoughts and many ((hugs)) my friend. It could be the combination of longing and missing your angels and longing and wanting more children. Be easy with yourself, you are not alone. Much love.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 5, 2011 at 10:22 am
i love you. thank you!
Oh goodness, what a post. I had chills from the first line to the last. I am sorry you have to deal with the panic, with the fear. I’m impressed and proud of you that you can share that with all of us. Thank you for sharing something so personal.
xoxo
Ashley @ Just Another Mom of 2 recently posted..The One with the Whiny Bachelor
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 5, 2011 at 10:23 am
Thank you Ashley for reading & your kind words. Means a lot to me ♥
Twitter: lifeasaSAHM
January 6, 2011 at 12:30 am
I’m so sorry. I’m not going to sit here and tell you I know how you feel, but know I am thinking of you. You are a very brave person.
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Twitter: AccustomedChaos
January 6, 2011 at 2:06 pm
thank you Diana – thanks ♥ ♥