These past 7-10 days have felt like I am living in some kind of weird parallel universe. I am not feeling like myself and my schedule is all out of whack. I am not sleeping, im not eating & i am spending way too much time stressing for ‘no reason’.
Insomnia has been keeping me company this week. My 11th day of this. It’s 2 am and I will, like the past 10 days, fall asleep around 6 am just to wake up with the kids around 8:30. I will drag my feet throughout the day on 2.5hs of ‘sleep’ just to make it to bedtime and do the same thing over again.
It started 11 days ago with a dream that was triggered after a long day thinking of Triton. His memorial plant has died once again and I sit here staring at this dead plant – that was supposed to symbolize something living – realizing that i have again failed to keep this thing alive. Failing again – first with Triton, then with his first memorial plant (tropical hibiscus) that we replaced with an ‘easy’ Jade Tree … only to have it sitting in the planter - dead.
I am stressing over this. I feel stupid about stressing over it but it’s a cycle.
I stress; i have nightmare; i dread sleep; i am exhausted; i stop eating; i stress; i dont sleep; repeat
I so badly hate feeling like this. I know that grief never fully goes away – and that it can float in and out like the waves of the water. I just wish i knew what to do to make this awful guilty, hate-myself feeling go away. I know that not sleeping and not eating is certainly not helping – but again .. it’s a cycle.
I just can not turn my brain off. I have tried laying down in the dark. I have tried exercise before bed. And now i am trying to see if writing this out will help me get it out of my brain so i can sleep.
I have a feeling it’s not going to work though…
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: notmommyofyear
July 27, 2011 at 9:18 am
Oh Devon, I hope you get some rest and relief soon. It’s such a vicious cycle. Writing usually works for me, I hope it did (does?) for you too.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:23 pm
Thank you Krista. Having you all ‘listen’ to my ramblings and show your support helps a lot so thank you for that!
I am not going to pretend I have any idea what you are going through, because I don’t. I want to have the best advice to give, but I don’t. What I do know is that a cycle like that has to be broken somehow, someway. And I am sitting here wanting to help you do that, and feel helpless because I can’t. I had to tell you there is someone here who absolutely and honestly cares. I am someone who believes in prayer, and I am going to spend some time in prayer just for you. I am praying this cycle will end, and you will find some rest, and some peace. I am so sorry you are where you are. Try and do something different today…a small, but different thing. Sending some cyber hugs from me to you!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:24 pm
Thank you Terry. Having a space to write out my feelings & having the support of you all – means a lot to me. thank you for helping me feel normal & loved xxo
Twitter: bewilderedbug
July 27, 2011 at 9:38 am
Like Terry, I wish I could help and identify with you but on this one I cannot
I’m sending you lots of love right now hun.
I hope you feel better soon – if it’s any consolation, I’m not sleeping this week either – not too sure what is keeping me up though.
HUGS and more hugs – and I hope that the writing helped a little bit.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:25 pm
Having you all around to listen to me helps more then i can say – whether you have been thorough a similar grief or not – so thank you so much.
I hope you get some sleep tonight friend
Very sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve never experienced the kind of grief you’re going through, but have had some issues w/PPD after the birth of my second child and that definitely affected my sleep. This may not exactly be the best route, but on occasion I’d take a benadryl around 9pm and I would then get a full night of sleep. After a few nights of doing that I seemed to get my sleep cycle somewhat back on track…and I would definitely feel a little better the following day after getting some sleep. I hope you’re able to find something that helps/works and that you come out of this ! (hugs)
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:26 pm
Erin thank you so much for your suggestions and your hugs. I am glad to hear that you were able to get your sleep pattern back on track – helps me see the end of this – so thank you
Twitter: randi094
July 27, 2011 at 1:28 pm
{{hugs}}. I hope that writing can help you release some of that stress. I don’t have much advice because I pray when I’m stressed, but I’ll send all my good thoughts to you. I’ve been down in the dumps lately too because of the stresses of TTC. It sucks some days, it just plain sucks.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:27 pm
Thank you Miranda for listening & for thinking of me. i am sorry that you are going through the stresses of TTC – i have been there & it’s no fun! please let me know if i can be an ear for you as you have been for me. xxo
Twitter: HStayingAfloat!
July 27, 2011 at 5:52 pm
Sending tons of positive thoughts your way. And maybe even some sleepy dust!
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 27, 2011 at 8:28 pm
Thank you so much for ‘listening ‘ and for your positive thoughts & sleepy dust! xxo
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
July 28, 2011 at 4:40 am
Oh Devan. That sucks, it really sucks. I have no sage advice, only love & light, sent your way. And some magic sleep sand
Try to clear your mind, I find that usually is what keeps me up. Yoga and meditation perhaps? I know yoga really helped me, and I hear meditation is good for the soul, regardless. 
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm
Yoga is a good idea – & thanks so much for sending love
Hoping you find peace.
Twitter: AccustomedChaos
July 29, 2011 at 12:57 pm
Thank you Kim ♥