These past 7-10 days have felt like I am living in some kind of weird parallel universe. I am not feeling like myself and my schedule is all out of whack. I am not sleeping, im not eating & i am spending way too much time stressing for ‘no reason’.
Insomnia has been keeping me company this week. My 11th day of this. It’s 2 am and I will, like the past 10 days, fall asleep around 6 am just to wake up with the kids around 8:30. I will drag my feet throughout the day on 2.5hs of ‘sleep’ just to make it to bedtime and do the same thing over again.
It started 11 days ago with a dream that was triggered after a long day thinking of Triton. His memorial plant has died once again and I sit here staring at this dead plant – that was supposed to symbolize something living – realizing that i have again failed to keep this thing alive. Failing again – first with Triton, then with his first memorial plant (tropical hibiscus) that we replaced with an ‘easy’ Jade Tree … only to have it sitting in the planter - dead.
I am stressing over this. I feel stupid about stressing over it but it’s a cycle.
I stress; i have nightmare; i dread sleep; i am exhausted; i stop eating; i stress; i dont sleep; repeat
I so badly hate feeling like this. I know that grief never fully goes away – and that it can float in and out like the waves of the water. I just wish i knew what to do to make this awful guilty, hate-myself feeling go away. I know that not sleeping and not eating is certainly not helping – but again .. it’s a cycle.
I just can not turn my brain off. I have tried laying down in the dark. I have tried exercise before bed. And now i am trying to see if writing this out will help me get it out of my brain so i can sleep.
I have a feeling it’s not going to work though…Share This Post: Tweet