I am sorry it has been so long since I have written you. My heart thinks of you often but right now I am having trouble letting my emotions come to the surface. It hurts.
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and while I don’t need a specific day to honor you I am glad people will be able to find strength in others to share and feel their grief. I have been feeling more of mine lately and while it’s been hard, draining and confusing – it has helped to some degree and i hope it will only get better.
I have had a hard month – a rewarding month- but hard. I have been sharing more about you with a bigger platform. It feels good to have people know you but it has been difficult to have you questioned. I have tried hard not to take this to heart but as a Mom I am very protective of you. I will continue to try to share good in your name – to help others who feel they can not speak or feel or grieve. I know how important it is to allow that.
I am dealing with some pretty extreme anxiety – panic attacks to be specific. It is hard for me to admit to you that I am not perfect, not strong – but I have to face it and not pretend it’s not happening. Every month like clockwork, the red trigger that used to alert me to losing another pregnancy – to losing you – sends me into a panic. My head knows what is happening – that it’s a normal body function – but my emotions and history take over.
We cried a lot for you this month. Daddy wrote about you for the first time and my heart broke. It is hard for me not to personalize and feel guilt from causing him this pain. Again in my head I know this was not my fault – but my emotions take over and the blame creeps in.
It’s going to take some time. ♥
|Tomorrow is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day – join us in remembering|
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