I can not believe it has been two years since I was in that hospital about to experience the most painful surgery I have ever gone through. I was left with no visible scars but leaving that hospital with an empty womb – without you — was devastating. I have been wanting to write this letter to you for so long, but I have not been able to bring myself to do it.
Please don’t think it’s because I don’t think of you – I think of you every day. I have been trying to find the right words to say to you but they just wont come to me – so you are left with this.
I honestly do not know how to thank you. I have been through this before – 9 times before you, but you were able to teach me so much. I am amazed at your strength – that you were able to hold on as long as you did and made it to 13 weeks gestation.
I remember that phone call from the doctors office that brought me to my knees. Luckily Daddy was there to catch me as I was told you were no longer alive – my levels were dropping and the ultrasound confirmed. I remember thoughts pulsating through my head – anger, fear, unfounded sadness. I was confused.
You were my miracle. You had made it past our dreaded 8 week mark which is where we lost our other 9 pregnancies. I could not understand why you made it further then the other’s we had lost – to be taken from me when we had started to believe THIS was really going to happen, we were going to have our 3rd healthy full, term baby.
I understand now baby boy and I am so grateful for your lesson. If it wasn’t for you I would not have the answer – I was not incapable of carrying a healthy child, it was not only a low-progesterone problem, it was not all a ‘fluke’. It is because of you the doctors were able to see that tiny blood clot in your life line (umbilical cord). It is because of you we had a solid plan for when we were ready to make another pregnancy and another baby. It is because of you we have this perfect, beautiful 1 year old girl and your brother and sister have another person to love.
You ARE my miracle. Not only did you show us the answer I had been desperately trying to seek, you have healed me from a hate of my own body. I thank you so much for that. You are forever a part of this family dear Triton and you will always be missed but never forgotten.
I. Am. Forever. Grateful ♥
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{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow. That made me cry. What a beautiful yet sad post. I am sorry foe the loss of your son, but so glad you were able to find out the reason why. What a special memory of him.
Devan, thank you for writing this. There truly are not words, except thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered. I can not even imagine. Our bodies are amazing vessels of life. Congratulations on the birth of your healthy baby and being able to heal and find thankfullness through the pain.
I'm so sorry for your loss but I'm so glad you got the answers you needed.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing it.
I am so sorry for your loss. Having had been through something similar I completely understand. I did get 3 healthy boys in the end. They will all be around us in heaven someday:)
Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest.
Sherry
Oh My.
You are an amazing woman to be able to see good in such a tragic thing. You are so incredibly strong to be able to go through all of this and come out the other end with such a positive attitude. I'm not sure I would have been able to write this letter ~ but you did an amazing job.
Thank you for sharing it.
Devan,
((hugs)) to you. Thank you for sharing, you are amazing! Beautiful Post!
I have left you an award on my page, please check it out!
http://aguilarfamilyadventures.blogspot.com/2010/04/more-awards-oh-my.html
What a beautiful letter, so brave.
Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment on my blog.
Have a beautiful Saturday. xxx
PS: I like the colour of your blog, it reminded me of how I started off.
This was beautifully written.
((HUGS))
It means more to me then I can express that you all took the time to read my letter. I appreciate all of you and thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥
Thank you. That was beautiful.
Wow! I am so sorry you have been through so much. You seem like such a strong person.
I am so sorry for all that you have endured. That was a truly beautiful heart-wrenching post. I hope that it gave you some closure.
I came by to thank you for joining my blog and now I thank you for allowing me to share in this moment of reflection, understanding, and acceptance. I'll be back to learn more about you and your family another day.
I know that feeling, though I didn't experience it as often as you! We have 2 in heaven – one a little girl, the other a surprise! In heaven, one day, I pray that all my children will sit down at the table together! I think there's a part of a mom's heart who has experience a thing like this, that is like a separate room – daddies do not quite understand, but woman who have lost know what that room is like!
Yes, what you have said is true. Unless you have lost a baby you do not understand. I just said a prayer for you and all of us that have lost babies. I lost 2 at 10 weeks. Yes, it is hard and we must pray for each other.<
I couldn't be more proud of you for sharing Triton's story and for saying to him in a letter what could not be said in person. I know how much it took for you to write this letter and also how hard it was for you to make the decision to share it. I think it's a wonderful thing that you have done by writing to our son and letting him know that even though his time was sort, he did so much. If it was not for him holding on as long as he did we would not have E.
Thanks for being as strong as you are.
I love you.
What a precious letter. I lost my 3rd baby, Taylor Lee, the day before my birthday 8 yrs ago. Can't even believe it's been that long. I thought I had a super uterus and nothing like that would happen. How prideful I was! I lost the baby a week after I learned I was pregnant. It had taken 6+ months to get pregnant that time, too. I ended getting pregnant a month later and gave birth to my last child, who is now almost 7.
I am visiting from the D-List. You are one of the buttons surrounding me.
~Mimi @ Marvelous Mom Reviews
Wow, that brought tears to my eyes. I am in awe of you. . .I can't imagine losing 10 babies. I'm so glad that you were able to learn the cause so that you will never go through that again. My heart goes out to you!!!
loss gives us great opportunities for growth
warm ((hug)) and respect, MonkeyME
This was such a beautiful post.
I had 2 losses myself – which they think was due to low progesterone, but considering the one pregnancy that "made it" ended up in an emergency situation due to an undiagnosed IUGR, sometimes I wonder…
I do believe that those babies I lost made me a better mother and a better person. However, being through 2 was scary enough. I admire you so much for having the strength to get through 10 (or was it more?) losses… you are truly one of the strongest, coolest women I "know".
This was a beautiful post. I admire your strength to see through to find the answers. I admire your strength to keep trying when many other would have quit after the 2nd or 3rd. My heart aches for your loss(es), but rejoices with your happiness. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
First I am so sorry for your loss.Your letter was beautiful and very touching.
Thank you for stopping by my blog and thank you again for being so open and sharing something this personal! It was a very touching read and I am amazed at the strength it has taken for you to get to this point in your life. You are amazing!!
~Kelli @ Smidgen's
Beautiful post! I think it's through the trials of life that we learn the most..I speak from experience of losing a child myself.
Wow what a beautiful post. I am so sorry you had to go through this. Some things in life happen that we don't understand why until after the fact. So touching.
I wanted to thank you for stopping by and this post was so touching!
I'm glad you have answers to questions that seemed to make no sense before. It's great to look at yourself and not blame yourself or feel as though something is wrong with you.
So happy for you! Sometimes we never think a rainbow will appear after all the rain but, it will!
This is truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I'm humbled by your words and your experience.
That was beautiful…..so glad that I stopped by
So incredibly touched by this… absolutely beautiful.
Great big hugs, Wendi (City Mom)
http://www.citymom-countrymom.com
Oh momma. I absolutely cannot imagine that pain. How sweet a letter this is though through that loss. Thank you for sharing it with us. xoxo
I still come back and read this. It echos my experience with my twins, and the empty heart I had when I had to leave the hospital. I just wanted to let you know what an impact you have on people!
*hug*
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